MacGruber Quotes Are Here!

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MacGruber opens in theaters everywhere tomorrow, but we've got tons of memorable MacGruber quotes today!

MacGruber Drives a Miata.

In the 10 years since his fiancée was killed, special op MacGruber has sworn off a life of fighting crime with his bare hands. But when he learns that his country needs him to find a nuclear warhead that’s been stolen by his sworn enemy, Dieter Von Cunth (Val Kilmer), MacGruber figures he’s the only one tough enough for the job.

Assembling an elite team of experts-Lt. Dixon Piper (Ryan Phillippe) and Vicki St. Elmo (Kristen Wiig)-MacGruber will navigate an army of assassins to hunt down Cunth and bring him to justice.  His methods may be unorthodox.  His crime scenes may get messy.  But if you want the world saved right, you call MacGruber!

Get a taste of the hilarity below, and if you don't see one of your favorite phrases in our MacGruber quotes gallery, leave it in a comment!

Lt. Dixon Piper: "Now remember MacGruber. You gotta keep him on long enough to get a location."
MacGruber: "Don't worry, I've done this before. Now, listen to me you piece of... He hung up. Did you get it?"
Vicki St. Elmo: "No."
MacGruber: "Damn it! Is that thing working?!" | permalink
Vicki St. Elmo: I'm a virgin.
MacGruber: Not for long. | permalink
MacGruber: If ripping throats gets that warhead back, I'll suck as many d**ks as I've go-- I'll rip as many throats as I have to! | permalink
MacGruber: Your companion is a very beautiful young woman.
Dieter Von C**th: Thank you.
MacGruber: I hope you enjoy being date raped, ma'am.
Dieter Von C**th: This is my daughter. | permalink
Lt. Dixon Piper: "How did you know I was wearing a bullet proof vest?"
MacGruber: "You're wearing a bullet proof vest?! Awesome!" | permalink
MacGruber: "Don't worry we got your back. We're only 7 blocks away. So if anything goes down..."
Vicki St. Elmo: "7 blocks?"
MacGruber: "Okay, you got me. About 20 blocks."
Vicki St. Elmo: "Wasn't there anything closer?"
MacGruber: "Nope."
Lt. Dixon Piper: "There were tons of spots closer."
MacGruber: "Yeah, with meters!" | permalink
MacGruber: I just took an upper-decker in the master bathroom.
Vicki St. Elmo: Upper-decker?
MacGruber:Yeah, it's where you take a s**t in the water tank and not the bowl... You look great. | permalink

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classic macgruber


Vicki : I've got to go to the bathroom.
Mac: Number 1 or number 2?
Vicki Number none of your business!!
Mac: That means number twoooo!!


and no you can't ride in the trunk bud!


"It's time to pound some Cunth!" MacGruber


"I'm in" MacGruber to a cafeteria diner
"What?" cafeteria diner to MacGruber
"I'm in" MacGruber to Col. James Faith and Lt. Dixon Piper
"Thank God" Col. James Faith to MacGruber
"Your God can't help you Jim, but I can......" Classic MacGruber


the game has changed, but the players are the same.


Never ever say never ever.


Macgruber: You walk around like your sh#t dont stink. Well I got news for you, your sh#t does stink. It stinks like sh#t!



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MacGruber Quotes

MacGruber: Your companion is a very beautiful young woman.
Dieter Von Cunth: Thank you.
MacGruber: I hope you enjoy being date raped, ma'am.
Dieter Von Cunth: This is my daughter.

I'm in.

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MacGruber Review

Well, so I finally got around to seeing MacGruber. Was it worth it? Yes and no. Before I was able to see MacGruber in person, the film...

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Rating: 4.2 / 5.0 (5 Votes)