[to Alison] Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?
[to Ben and Pete at dinner] Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and fuck each other.
Debbie: I gotta go, Sadie might have the chicken pox.
Jason: I had the chicken pox three times. I have no immunity to it.
Ben Stone: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs.
He has man boobs. That means he has bad jeans.