Phil: "It happened again."
Tracy: "Seriously, what is wrong with you three?"

Sid Garner: Don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him.
Doug Billings: Understood.
Sid Garner: Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.

I wish monkeys could skype.

Alan

"I have a demon in me."

Stu

I have a weakness for prostitutes apparently, all kinds.

Stu

Alan Garner: Hey Phil, look!
[laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating]
Alan Garner: He's jackin' his little weenus!
Phil Wenneck: Pull yourself together, bro!
Alan Garner: Not at the table, Carlos!

Phil: You're not my friend!
Alan: Don't say that Phil, are you serious? Even in America!?
Stu: You're the bearded devil!

I was gonna have you sing 'Burn it Up' by the Jonas Brothers, but then I remembered you don't like Indie music.

Alan

Phil: "Stu Come on, Get up. We got a situation"
Stu: "Where are we"
Phil: "You're gonna freak out, but its gonna be ok."
[Stu checks mirror and screams]
"This is a real tattoo!"
Stu: "Alan what did you do? Did you roofie me?
Alan: I didn't do anything

Doc, none of us could remember anything from last night. Remember?

Alan Garner

You wanna fuck on me?

Mr. Chow

Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner: Yes.

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