Agent 99: You lied about finding evidence of radioactivity
Agent 23: You conveniently killed Krstic before anyone could question him.
The Chief: And there's that little matter with you stoning my head with a fire extinguisher.
Maxwell Smart: I said I was sorry, you just didn't hear me because you were in a mini coma.

Agent 99: I think we should trust him chief.
Agent 23: Oh absolutely Chief, I'm with 99 on that one, everytime I look at Maxie's puppy eyes I'm a goner.
Agent 99: Oh my God, you've really never had anyone break up with you have you?

You know, you're the only human being I know who snores when he's awake.

Siegfried

Agent 99: Not bad for a rookie.
Maxwell Smart: Not bad for an old lady.

[given a blanket] Oh good, the itchy kind, my favorite, does this one also have small pox? And that was a human tooth...

Maxwell Smart

Agent 23: If you don't follow the rules here then what are we?
The Chief: I'm telling you what we're not, we're not people who jam staples into other people's heads, that's CIA crap!

Okay, not to keep dwelling on this, but that was some kiss. How did you know that will work? Have you kissed other men who then plummented to their deaths?

Maxwell Smart

Maxwell Smart: Oh gee, Maxie-man, I haven't heard that one before!
[pause]
Maxwell Smart: I never have heard that before, actually.

Agent 99: Max has no experience, and I don't want him as my partner.
Maxwell Smart: Well, that is a sucker punch to the gonads.

Mother of pearl!

Maxwell Smart

Maxwell Smart: Well, you were no help at all.
Agent 99: How could I help? I'm just a woman with a dusty old uterus.
Maxwell Smart: I never said dusty.

It's okay, 99. Big people feel pain, too.

Maxwell Smart
Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 31 in total

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Get Smart Quotes

Maxwell Smart: [after he gets recruited as a new agent] I request a cone of silence.
Maxwell Smart: [he doesn't press the button hard enough so everyone can hear him] Oh, I'm so happy! I'm so happy! This is the best day of my life!
Lloyd: Dude, you didn't press the button hard enough...
Maxwell Smart: Right.

Siegfried: How do I know you're not from CONTROL?
Maxwell Smart: If I were from CONTROL, you'd already be dead.
Siegfried: If you were from CONTROL, YOU'D already be dead.
Maxwell Smart: Neither of us is dead, so I'm obviously not from CONTROL.
[long pause]
Shtarker: That actually makes sense.

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