These Ted quotes are guaranteed to crack you up. Toggle through the funniest ones now and vote on your favorites from this Seth MacFarlane's masterpiece.

I look like Snuggles' accountant.

Ted: Hey, you're home early!
Lori: What the hell is this?
Ted: They're hookers, so it's fine.

Ted: I look stupid.
John: No, you don't, you look dapper!
Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell him Grandma died.

You know what I'd like to do to her? Something I call the Dirty Fozzie.

Ted: Hey, thanks for 9/11.
Indian woman: I'm Indian.
Ted: Yeah, whatever.

John: Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fucking Becky?
Ted: No.
John: Wait, was it any one of those names with a Lynn after it?
Ted: Yes.
John: Okay, Brandy Lynn, Heather Lynn...
Ted: Tammy Lynn.
John: Fuck!

John: You don't think she's gonna be expecting something big, do you?
Ted: What, like anal?

I wish I'd just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin!

John

I swear to God, her name is Sauvingon Blanc. Show her your Chevron card.

That's my bad, I was sending a tweet.

Y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.

Ted: Thunder Buddies for life, right, Johnny?
John: Fucking right!
Ted: All right, come on, let's sing The Thunder Song."
John: All right.
John & Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared. Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words. Fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can't get me, thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts.

Displaying all 12 quotes

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Ted Quotes

You know what I'd like to do to her? Something I call the Dirty Fozzie.

Ted

Y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.

Ted

Ted Review

Witnessing Ted, it can be described in one phrase: Seth MacFarlane unleashed. Considering the envelopes he pushes on his primetime TV hit...

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