[speaking to Marie in bed while she sleeps] I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

Navin Johnson

First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.

Navin Johnson

Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?

Navin Johnson

Patty Bernstein: [provocatively] You know what I wanna do?
Navin Johnson: What's that?
Patty Bernstein: Guess your weight. [starts squeezing on him everywhere]
Navin Johnson: Hey, you're really trying to be accurate!

Good luck. The Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey, see a doctor and get rid of it. Bye Grandma!

Navin R. Johnson

The new phonebook's here!

Navin R. Johnson

I was born a poor black child.

Navin R. Johnson

These cans are defective!

Navin R. Johnson

Navin R. Johnson: [outside now] And I don't need one other thing, except my dog.
[Shithead growls at him]
Navin R. Johnson: I don't need my dog.

Displaying all 9 quotes

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The Jerk Quotes

These cans are defective!

Navin R. Johnson

Navin R. Johnson: [outside now] And I don't need one other thing, except my dog.
[Shithead growls at him]
Navin R. Johnson: I don't need my dog.

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