[to Emmett] Come with me if you want to not die.


Nicholas Angel: What's with all the cake?
Inspector Frank Butterman: Oh, that's for constable Butterman's minor indiscretion.
Nicholas Angel: [concerned] What? For last night?
Inspector Frank Butterman: Oh no, the cake is punishment for misplacing his helmet last week. No, last night's antics will require something a little more serious.
Nicholas Angel: Well I should think so. What did you have in mind?
Inspector Frank Butterman: Well let's just say we won't be running short of Chunky Monkey for the next month.
Danny Butterman: [annoyed] Daaaaaad!

Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Sir and may I congradulate you on all your success... you smell TEREFFIC! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy, private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice on little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?

Ace Ventura

Did you know that the institution of marriage was created when the average person lived to the age of 30.


What up with thee.


Somebody think of something, and think of it fast!

The President of the United States

Agent Paxton: Now you tell me I'm on a need-to-know basis. And I'm telling you right now, I need to who the fuck John Mason is, right now sir!
Womack: You want to know? Okay. 1962: J. Edgar Hoover is the head of the FBI, some say the country. It's no secret that he kept secret files on prominent Americans and Europeans. De Gaulle, British members of Parliament, even the Prime Minister. I mean, this guy had dirt on everybody in the world.
Agent Paxton: Yeah, I know all of the cloak and dagger stories. Where does Mason fit in?
Womack: Mason was the British operative who stole the files, but our Bureau agents caught him at the Canadian border. Of course, the British claimed that they never heard of him. So we held him without trial until he gave up the microfilm. But he never did.
Agent Paxton: Well, I'm surprised Hoover didn't use his daughter as leverage.
Womack: Hoover was dead in '72, she wasn't born yet. Today... it's a different Bureau.
Agent Paxton: So, you held this guy without trial his whole life. No wonder he's pissed.
Womack: This man knows our most intimate secrets from the last half century! The alien landing at Roswell, the truth behind the J.F.K. assassination. Mason's angry, he's lethal, he's a trained killer... and he is the only hope that we have got.

Cammi: And here are your handy wipes.
Jack: Oh, so that's what these are. For a minute there I thought you guys were promoting safe sex.

I have a confession to make, I think about you more then I ought too.

Sally Wheeler

Merrill: Morgan, this crop stuff is just about a bunch of nerds who never had a girlfriend their whole lives. They're like 30 now. They make up secret codes and analyze Greek mythology and make secret societies where other guys who never had girlfriends can join in. They do stupid crap like this to feel special. It's a scam. Nerds were doin' it 25 years ago and new nerds are doing it again.
Graham Hess: Its just static, Morgan. Frequency.
Morgan: It's a code.
Bo: Why can't they get girlfriends?

Girl: I'd love to try everything once.
Rick: Skydiving
Girl: Skinny dipping in the Indian Ocean....
Rick: Sleep with a married guy....

You're in a big puddle of shit, Pamela, and you don't have the shoes for it.

Ward Abbott

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