Kidding? How am I meant to know you're kidding? You're breaking my fucking balls.

Tommy DeVito

[in letter to Tibby] I think we may have been very, very wrong about the pants. The one time I wore them I almost drowned...


Buggin' Out: Why don't you go back to Massachusetts?
Clifton: I was born in Brooklyn!

Tom: The great advantage of having a reputation for being stupid: People are less suspicious of you.

Michael: Is that why you slapped my brother around in public?
Fredo: Aw, now that, that was nothin', Mike. Now, now, uh, Moe didn't mean nothin' by that. Sure he flies off the handle once in a while, but Moe and me, we're good friends, right Moe? Huh?
Moe Greene: I got a business to run. I gotta kick asses sometimes to make it run right. We had a little argument, Freddy and I, so I had to straighten him out.
Michael: You straightened my brother out?
Moe Greene: He was banging cocktail waitresses two at a time! Players couldn't get a drink at the table! What's wrong with you?
Michael: I leave for New York tomorrow, think about a price.
Moe Greene: Sonofabitch! Do you know who I am? I'm Moe Greene! I made my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders!

Anita Miller: First it was butter then it was sugar and white flour, bacon, eggs, balogna, rock 'n roll, motorcycles. Then! It was celebrating Christmas on a day in September when you knew it wouldn't be commercialized! What else are you gonna ban?
Elaine Miller: Honey, you want to rebel against knowledge, I'm trying to give you the cliffnotes on how to live life in this world.
Anita Miller: We're like nobody else I know!
Elaine Miller: I am a college professor. Why can't I teach my own kids? Use me!
Anita Miller: Darryl says that you use knowledge to keep me down. He says that I'm a "Yes" person and you are trying to raise us in a "No" environment.
Elaine Miller: Well, clearly "No" is a word Darryl doesn't hear much.

John Winger: I've had an interesting morning. In the last two hours I've lost my job, my apartment, my car, and my girlfriend.
Russell Ziskey: You still have your health.

Directing a movie is a very overrated job, we all know it. You just have to say yes or no. What else do you do? Nothing. "Maestro, should this be red?" Yes. "Green?" No. "More extras?" Yes. "More lipstick?" No. Yes. No. Yes. No. That's directing.

Liliane La Fleur

You know, our bodies are capable of doing some very funny things when they're consumed by stress and anxiety. Uh, I found my ex-best friend's cufflinks in my wife's purse. I couldn't get an erection for a year and a half. For example.

Dr. Cohen

Evan Simo: How come you're not at work?
Louis Simo: 'Cause I don't sit in an office, okay? That's for suckers. Your pop's an investigator, alright? Come on, let's go.
Evan Simo: I'm supposed to wait for mom.
Louis Simo: What?
Evan Simo: I'm supposed to wait for mom.
Louis Simo: Your mom and me, we don't...
[he puts his hand on his son's head]
Louis Simo: Evan. Evan. Nobody has magic powers. You got to be tough. You got to show them what you're made of, you know? My father never taught me that.

You ever get the feelin'... I don't know, er... when you're in town and someone looks at you all suspicious, like he knows? And then you go out on the pavement and everyone looks like they know too?

Ennis Del Mar

You are such a disappointing pair. I prayed so hard for you. It saddens and hurts me that the two young boys I taught to believe in the Ten Commandments have come back to me as two thieves. With filthy mouths. And bad attitudes. Get out... And don't come back until you've redeemed yourselves...

Sister Mary Stigmata

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