Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never do a full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Count toothpicks to your cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard.

Loretta, I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and *die*. The storybooks are *bullshit*. Now I want you to come upstairs with me and *get* in my bed!

Ronny Cammareri

Horse shit!

Mike

John Smith: [talking about their predicament] So what do we do, Jane? Shoot it out here? Hope for the best?
Jane Smith: Well, that would be bad because they would probably ask me to leave once you are dead.

C'MON, YOU BITCH!

Captain Billy Tyne

Stoner Guy: Preston? I dunno, his hair's kinda, I dunno, brown?
Watermelon Guy: No, it's not really brown. Oh, he's tall.
Stoner Guy: Yeah, he's kinda kinda tall. Sorta tall. And he's like always wearing like t-shirts.
Amanda Becket: So, he's sort of tall?
Stoner Guy: Kind of.
Amanda Becket: With... hair?
Stoner Guy: Yeah.
Amanda Becket: And he wears t-shirts sometimes?
Stoner Guy: Yeah.

Coroner: My only question is how did she come to have sex with the dead guy?
Dante Hicks: She thought it was me.
Coroner: What kind of convenience store do you run here?

[to Dr. Lanning's cat] Look, I understand you have experienced a loss, but this relationship just can't work. I mean, you're a cat. I'm black. I'm not going to be hurt again.

Detective Del Spooner

I want Moses and his family dead.

Ramses

Harry: I don't think I've ever had this effect on a woman before.
Erica Barry: What effect do you think you're having on me?
Harry: I don't quite recognize it. That's how I know I never had it before.

Lee Christmas: So you like knives, huh?
Surgeon: I'm the knife before Christmas.

Jack, I'm 26 years old, I didn't run away from home.

Bob

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