Father Cavanaugh: Son, in 35 years of religious study, I have only come up with two hard incontrovertible facts: there is a God, and I'm not Him.

Margaret Tate: Why didn't you tell me you're some kind of Alaskan Kennedy?
Andrew Paxton: We were in the middle of talking about you... for the last 3 years.

[singing] Women are irrational, that's all there is to that! Their heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags. They're nothing but exasperating, irritating, vacillating, calculating, agitating, maddening and infuriating hags!

Professor Henry Higgins

Grissom: Your life won't be worth spit!
The Joker: I've been dead once already, its very liberating. You should think of it as therapy.
Grissom: Jack, maybe we can cut a deal.
The Joker: Jack?
The Joker: Jack is dead, my friend. You can call me Joker and as you can see I'm a lot happier.

Tony D'Annunzio: Another Rob Roy, Bishop?
Bishop: You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's goddamned business how much he's had already.
Judge Smails: Wrong, you're drinking too much your Excellency.
Bishop: Excellency, fiddlesticks, my name's Fred and I'm a man, same as you.
Judge Smails: You're not a man, you're a bishop, for God's sakes.
Bishop: There is no God...

Don't you people have jobs?

Judge Smails

He beat me... Straight up... Pay him... Pay that man his money.

Teddy KGB

Neville: [to a pretty mannequin in the video store] I... I promised a friend I would say hello to you today.
[begins to cry]
Neville: Please say hello to me.
[sobs]
Neville: Please say hello to me.

If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.

Ace Ventura

Just a soothing, relaxing, vibrating home huh? [laughs] I'm sorry.

William Somerset

She's the village bicycle! Everybody's had a ride.

Austin Powers

Dante Hicks: You hate people!
Randal Graves: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?

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