Dorian: I'd like to be the father-to-be.
Sally: You can't be the father and the brother! That's the kind of thing that messes kids up!

My God! It's enough to drive a girl into a convent! Do they have Jewish nuns?

Sally

Emily Appleton: You're a treasure hunter, aren't you?
Jeb Wilkinson: I'm just a man, trying to make his mark on history.

Cartman: I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him a hundred dollars.
Kyle: It's not your fault, Cartman.
Cartman: Dude, I know, I'm just fuckin' stoked I don't have to pay him.
Kyle: Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck!

Norman Burroughs: Is he an MD doctor?
Deirdre Burroughs: Yes. And as I've told you a hundred times, he got his MD at Yale.
Norman Burroughs: You heard about this guy from where?
Deirdre Burroughs: Doctor Newpall. Augusten's allergist. If you were more of a man and involved in your son's life, you'd know who that was. I smell manure.
Norman Burroughs: I don't smell anything.
Deirdre Burroughs: I do, I smell manure. It's coming out of your ears.
Norman Burroughs: Fucking bitch.

Time. Yeah. Now that's what I'm talking about. Yeah! I like it like this. These two crews right here is what I call bad. I'm talking bad as in utter bad. But it's up to you to decide which crew walks away with this here $600 in the hat.

Mr. Rad

Benji: How come I'm Pluto? I'm not even a planet.
Brandt: There's always Uranus [grins].
Benji: Hah, that was funny, 'cause you said anus.

I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream - and I hope you don't find this too crazy - is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, "Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!" That would be bad.

C.D. Bales

I think you owe me for deceiving me so exquisitely.

Larry

Isabel Bigelow: Oh, we're going to kiss aren't we?
Jack Wyatt: I thought so. But, thanks for ruining the moment Miss Narrator.

Write a bill, Britney.

Timothy McGinn

Get in, Manny, or you're gonna die!

Ray Ferrier

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