Jack: Speak for yourself. I get chicks lookin' at me all the time. All ages. Dudes too.
Miles Raymond: Well, it's not worth it. You pay too big a price. It's never free.
Jack: You need to get laid, Miles. You know what? That's going to be my best man gift to you this week. I'm gonna get you laid.
Miles Raymond: Wonderful.
Jack: I'm not gonna get you a gift certificate or a pen knife or any of that other horse shit.
Miles Raymond: I'd rather have a knife.

Father Brian Finn: I keep thinking about what you said in seminary, that the life of a priest is hard and if you can see yourself being happy doing anything else you should do that.
Father Havel: That was my recruitment pitch, which is not bad when you're starting out because it makes you feel like a marine. The truth is you can never tell yourself there is only one thing you could be. If you are a priest or if you marry a woman it's the same challenge. You cannot make a real commitment unless you accept that it's a choice that you keep making again and again and again.

Lewis Rothschild: At least let the agents do a security sweep - we don't know who's in there!
President Andrew Shepherd: You think there a florist in there planing an assassination on the the off-chance that I might be stopping by?
Lewis Rothschild: It's possible.

One tires of being executed.


Prince Akeem: So, you would share your bed, and your fortune, with a beautiful fool?
Semmi: That is the way it has always been with men of power. It is tradition.

You don't understand that this isn't a story to me, it's my life! I want to live!

Harold Crick

Everything you have, you lose, right? Mother, father - gone. Good looks, Pryzwarra? - gone. Loved ones gone in a second. That's what this job teaches you, isn't it? No matter what, no matter how hard you grab onto something - you still lose it, right?

Doug Carlin

Cher: Been shopping with Dr. Suess?
Dionne: Well at least I wouldn't skin a collie to make my back pack.
Cher: It's faux.

Never, never, interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're going to faint. Even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?

Melvin Udall

General Allenby: [the British army staff is having a field briefing] Very well, gentlemen. The cavalry's gone through Mazril and Deraa. Very good, by the way, very good indeed. Now your turn. Artilery general, field briefing: Well, sir, if the enemy's retreating in any kind of order - which we'd better assume... General Allenby: Certainly. Artilery general, field briefing: ...Then they can't be further than this Mallud place. In which case I can have them within range by... 0900 hours tomorrow? General Allenby: Splendid! Phillip. Infantry general, field briefing: Well, these Infantry general, field briefing: are the last of the infantry supports coming up now, sir. But Mallud... could have the fusilliers there by... Wednesday, sir? General Allenby: That'll do for now. The guns are what matter! Any questions? Cavalry general, field briefing: This Arab army on the right, sir - what's it consist of? Colonel Brighton: Irregular cavalry, sir. About two thousand. Cavalry general, field briefing: Where are they now? Colonel Brighton: Can only know that by being with them, sir. General Allenby: Then get with them, Harry! I want to know. Colonel Brighton: Yes, sir. General Allenby: Pound them, Charley - General Allenby: POUND THEM!

Julius Levinson: David. What the hell are you doing?
David Levinson: Making a mess!
Julius Levinson: Yes, this I can see.

Happy Gilmore: I'll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I'll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too.
Virginia: Do you always carry a puck with you?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah.
[Virginia shoots puck and scores]
Happy Gilmore: Holy shit. Talk about your all time backfires.

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