I've always been kind of a pacifist. When I was a kid, my father told me, "Never hit anyone in anger, unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it." I don't know what kind of soldier I'm gonna make, but I want you guys to know that if we ever get into really heavy combat... I'll be right behind you guys. Every step of the way.

Russell Ziskey

Bob: What are you doing?
Charlotte: My husband's a photographer, so he's here working. I wasn't doing anything so I came along.
Bob: What do you do?
Charlotte: I'm not sure yet, actually.

Sally: I've always dreamed of being a big hit singer.
Dorian: Oh, can you sing?
Sally: No, that's why they call them dreams.

If you were a dork you should say you're sorry. Girls like that.

Lucy

I picked you for the job, not because I think you're so darn smart, but because I thought you were a shade less dumb than the rest of the outfit. Guess I was wrong. You're not smarter, Walter... you're just a little taller.

Barton Keyes

Salazar Soldier: How did you know?
Javier Rodriguez: A little bird told me.
Salazar Soldier: What is the name of your little bird?
Javier Rodriguez: It doesn't have a name.
Salazar Soldier: Doesn't have a name? I hate the fucking anonymous ones!

Saruman: We must join with Him, Gandalf. We must join with Sauron. It would be wise, my friend.
Gandalf: Tell me, "friend", when did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?

Colonel Sandurz: Sir, do you think we're being too literal?
Dark Helmet: No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.

Fate didn't give a (expletive). Dead is dead.

Diaz

Dear Max, I am sorry to say that I have secretly found out that Mr. Blume is having an affair with Miss Cross. My first suspicions came when I saw them Frenching in front of our house. And then I knew for sure when they went skinny dipping in Mr. Blume's swimming pool, giving each other handjobs while you were taking a nap on the front porch.

Dirk Calloway

I thought I could rely on your honor!

The Judge

Tony Mendez: We are responsible for these people.
Jack O'Donnell: What we are is required to follow orders.

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