Cammi: And here are your handy wipes.
Jack: Oh, so that's what these are. For a minute there I thought you guys were promoting safe sex.

I'm talkin' about friendship. I'm talkin' about character. I'm talkin' about - hell. Leo, I ain't embarrassed to use the word - I'm talkin' about ethics.

Johnny Caspar

Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?

Jay

That wouldn't have been necessary if that sesesh woman hadn't started it. They never learn. You see sesesh has to be cleared away by the hand of God like the Jews of old. Now I will have to burn this town.

Col. Montgomery

Rita: Have you ever had déjà-vu?
Phil: Didn't you just ask me that?

Ethan Tremblay: Where's your dad?
Peter Highman: Uh... no idea.
Ethan Tremblay: When's the last time you saw him?
Peter Highman: 1977. He had his bags packed at the door and he picked them up and put in the back of his car. And, uh, drove away. Last time I ever saw him.
Ethan Tremblay: [begins laughing hysterically]
Ethan Tremblay: That's so funny! My dad would never do that, he'd love me.

Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.

Van Wilder

Joshua: Are you married, Mr. Kimble? Detective
John Kimble: No, I'm not.
Joshua: [shouts] He's not married, Mom!

Isis: You wanna make it right? Then when you go to Nationals... bring it. Don't slack off because you feel sorry for us. That way, when we beat you, we'll know it's because we're better.
Torrance Shipman: Oh, I'll bring it. Don't worry.
Isis: I never do.

[as all the knights start hailing him] No. Nooo, Noooo... noooo! NOOOOOO!

Ash

Russell Gettis: That was a nice thing you did for him.
Elizabeth Halsey: He was going through a difficult time.
Russell Gettis: I am going through a difficult time. May I have your panties?
Elizabeth Halsey: I'm not wearing any.

One day, I will become the greatest Jedi ever. I will even learn how to stop people from dying.

Anakin

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