Raphael: [to April in a menacing voice] Give me the camera.
Michelangelo: Oh look, he's doing his Batman voice...
Leonardo: Back off, Raph!

Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

Kumar: [walks up to a bush and starts peeing] Ahh.
[Creepy Guy walks up out of nowhere and starts peeing right next to him]
Kumar: 'Scuse me, I just...
Creepy Guy: Huh?
Kumar: I have to ask you, why'd you... wha... wha... why are you peeing... right here?
Creepy Guy: What?
Kumar: I mean... why'd you pee right next to me when you could like, choose that bush, or...
Creepy Guy: Well, this bush looked like I should pee on it. Why are you peeing on it?
Kumar: Well, no one was here when I chose this bush.
Creepy Guy: Oh, so you get to pee on it and no one else does? Huh?
Kumar: No, it's just... I just...
Creepy Guy: This your bush? You have a special bond with this bush?
Kumar: No, I just thought that...
Creepy Guy: You the king of the forest?
Kumar: I'm sorry?
Creepy Guy: What?
Creepy Guy: You fuckin' tree-hugger. IS THIS YOUR SPECIAL BUSH?
Kumar: Never mind. Forget it, I really don't feel like gettin' stabbed tonight.
[they pee in silence for a bit]
Creepy Guy: [quietly] Nice pubes.
Kumar: [pauses, creeped out] Thanks.

Andrew: Why do you have to insult everybody?
John Bender: I'm being honest, asshole.

You're the only boy who makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.

Jessica

President Thomas Whitmore: Atlanta, Chicago, Philadelphia, destroyed.
Gen. Gray: We have also learned that NORAD and our top commandos were the first to be taken out. At this rate, we could be looking at the worldwide destruction of every major city in the next 36 hours.
President Thomas Whitmore: Then we're being exterminated.

Richard Brewer: Lord, forgive us for our wrongdoings, for our misguidance by heathen religions. Thank you for keeping us alive. Lord, be with us in doing the right thing. Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallow be thy name.
William H. Bonney: Please, Dick. It's getting cold. [Billy and Dick both pull guns] I could've killed you, Dick. I could've killed you, but I don't want to kill you. I want to eat.

This guy don't wanna win no battle he's shook 'cause ain't no such thing as HALFWAY CROOKS.

B. Rabbit

You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.

Jim

Teri: My real name's Alina.
Robert McCall: What happened to your face?
Teri: Something stupid… Okay, it's not professional. Just tell me what you think, okay?
Robert McCall: Oh, wow, Alina, the singer
Teri: You and I know what I really am.
Robert McCall: I think you can be anything you want to be.
Teri: Maybe in your world, Robert. It doesn't really happen that way in mine.
Robert McCall: Change your world.

Admiral Benson: Gentlemen, we've waited a long time to hear this. In exactly five hours and 17 minutes, we hit the enemy toast.
Lt. Commander Block: I think that's the enemy coast, sir.
Admiral Benson: Huh? Coast? That'll take a little more planning. But it doesn't matter. Our assignment is to knock out the nuclear-weapons plant at Falafel Heights. The plant goes on line in 12 hours and is heavily defended. Now, if you have trouble hitting your objective, you secondary targets are here and here: an accordion factory and a mime school.

Lelaina: I just don't understand why things just can't go back to normal at the end of the half hour like on the Brady Bunch or something.
Troy Dyer: Well, 'cause Mr. Brady died of AIDS. Things don't turn out like that.

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