Mulligan: You better bring a check in case the joint is raided.
Waiter: Who's gonna raid a funeral?
Mulligan: Some people got no respect for the dead.
Admiral Benson: Gentlemen, we've waited a long time to hear this. In exactly five hours and 17 minutes, we hit the enemy toast.
Lt. Commander Block: I think that's the enemy coast, sir.
Admiral Benson: Huh? Coast? That'll take a little more planning. But it doesn't matter. Our assignment is to knock out the nuclear-weapons plant at Falafel Heights. The plant goes on line in 12 hours and is heavily defended. Now, if you have trouble hitting your objective, you secondary targets are here and here: an accordion factory and a mime school.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: I banged his girlfriend. It was an error in judgement, look how it turned out...
Dante Slate, Jr.: This is some white people shit...
Bobby Shatford: It's not that, Skip. I'm out here because I need the money.
Captain Billy Tyne: You know, last trip I thought you had something to offer. But you know, you're just a punk.
Bobby Shatford: Hey, you promised me a shitload of fish!
Captain Billy Tyne: You'll get a shitload of fish. I've gone out before and motored back with so much stock little boys like you had to pack it on the pier. I always find the fish, always! And I will this time. So don't fuck with me.
Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.
But I love Sky. I love Sky more than anything.Sophie
Capt. Ramsey: COB!
Chief of the Boat: Captain, please, the Ex-O is right. We can't launch unless he concurs.
Capt. Ramsey: "To the U.S.S. Alabama: Rebel-controlled missiles being fuelled. Launch codes compromised, dissidents threaten to launch at continental United States, set defcon 2. Immediately launch 10 Trident missile sorties." They're FUELLING THEIR MISSILES! We don't have time to fuck around!
Hunter: Sir, I think you need time to think this over.
Capt. Ramsey: I DON'T HAVE TO THINK THIS OVER!
Hunter: Captain I relieve you of your command of this ship. COB, escort the Captain to his state room, I'm assuming command.
Capt. Ramsey: You're not assuming anything!
Hunter: CHIEF OF THE BOAT, Captain Ramsey is under arrest, lock him in his state room!
Chief of the Boat: Captain, please...
Hunter: NOW, COB!
Josh: There's probably not a lot of reflective surfaces in the sewer.
[He chuckles and the Penguin joins in]
The Penguin: Still... it could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood.
[They both laugh again]
Josh: Your nose could be gushing... what do you mean...
[the Penguin bites Josh's nose]
Robert Langdon: It's an old wives' tale.
Sir Leigh Teabing: The original one, in fact!
[to his parol officer] I broke down, I went and smoked with the kid that lives across the street from me.Ned
Joe Adams: [showing Ray and his wife their new mansion in L.A.] This foyer is designed to impress anybody who walks in the door. There's a big winding staircase, just like "Gone With The Wind."
Ray Charles: [to his wife] We should get our portraits painted, like Rhett and Scarlett.
Grace: You know that everything happens for a reason.
Bruce: See, that I don't need. That is a clichÃ©. That is not helpful to me. "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"... I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.