It was right after the revolution, right after peace had been concluded. And Ethan Allen went to London to help our new country conduct its business with the king. The English sneered at how rough we are and rude and simple-minded and on like that, everywhere he went. Til one day he was invited to the townhouse of a great English lord. Dinner was served, beverages imbibed, time passed as happens and Mr. Allen found he needed the privy. He was grateful to be directed to this. Relieved, you might say. Mr. Allen discovered on entering the water closet that the only decoration therein was a portrait of George Washington. Ethan Allen done what he came to do and returned to the drawing room. His host and the others were disappointed when he didn't mention Washington's portrait. And finally his lordship couldn't resist and asked Mr. Allen had he noticed it. The picture of Washington. He had. Well what did he think of its placement? Did it seem appropriately located to Mr. Allen? And Mr. Allen said it did. The host was astounded. "Appropriate? George Washington's likeness in a water closet?" "Yes," said Mr. Allen, "where it will do good service. The world knows nothing will make an Englishman shit quicker than the sight of George Washington." I love that story.

Abraham Lincoln

David Patrick: We stoped off for ice cream.
Winston: When the fuck did we get ice cream?

Nothing exceeds like excess. You should know that, Tony.

Elvira

I always say, the way a man treats his car is how he treats himself.

Tarconi

Seth: You dropped your purse, ma'am. Would you like me to help you with your shopping?
Seth: That would be lovely! Do you want me to buy you alcohol?
Seth: That would be lovely!
Old Lady: [at the cash register, after buying alcohol]
Seth: Enjoy your remaining years!
Seth: Enjoy fucking Jules!
Seth: I will!

Shooter McGavin: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy Gilmore: [laughing] you eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Shooter McGavin: No... I...

Officer Michaels: [out of breath] He's a freak...
[panting]
Officer Michaels: He's the fastest kid alive...

Annie: You read my diary.
Annie's roommate: At first I did not know it was your diary... I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.

In America, it's bling bling. But out here it's bling bang.

Danny Archer

Gayle Sweeny: Watch your language, Ronnie.
Ronnie Shields: My language is English and this mother fucker tried to grab my junk.

You gonna set my country music award on fire?

Rabbit

John Bridger: How are you?
Charlie Croker: [shrugging] I'm fine.
John Bridger: Fine? You know what "fine" stands for, don't you?
Charlie Croker: Unfortnately, yeah.
John Bridger: Freaked out...
Charlie Croker: Insecure...
John Bridger: Neurotic...
Charlie Croker: And Emotional.
John Bridger: You see those pillars over there?
Charlie Croker: [looks behind him and sees the pillars] What about them?
John Bridger: That's where they used to string up thieves who felt fine.
Charlie Croker: After you.

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