Phil Wenneck: Would you shut up and drive before these nerds ask me another question. Who's this?
Doug Billings: It's Alan. Tracy's brother.
Alan Garner: I met you like four times.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?

[Dale and Saul are running and Dale sees Saul jump into a dumpster]
Dale Denton: Whoa, whoa! I gotta get to a phone man. Come on!
Saul: No, no! I think we should stay.
Dale Denton: Why?
Saul: [pause] Cause I'm in the dumpster already.

Dr. Beeper: I thought you'd be the man to beat this year.
Ty Webb: I guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself.

Maximus: Quintus, look at me. Look at me! Promise me that you'll look after my family.
Quintus: Your family will meet you in the afterlife.

I've been a good girl! I never lied... except when necessary. I always bought my parents expensive gifts... using their credit card of course, but, I don't deserve this humiliation!

Sharpay Evans

Calm down, calm down. She likes you. She wants to suck on your penis. That's a good thing.

Evan

These are great days we're living, bros. We are jolly green giants, walking the Earth with guns. These people we wasted here today are the finest human beings we will ever know. After we rotate back to the world, we're gonna miss not having anyone around that's worth shooting.

Crazy Earl

Hans: The following people are to be released from their captors : In Northern Ireland, the seven members of the New Provo Front. In Canada, the five imprisoned leaders of Liberte de Quebec... In Sri Lanka, the nine members of the Asian Dawn movement...
John McClane: [listening on the radio] What the fuck?

What do you tell a man with two black eyes? Nothing, he's already been told twice.

Darryl

[to Asian gangsters] Your head is going up his ass, his head is going up his ass, and you get the short end of the straw, cause your head is going up my ass!

Hancock

Alan Garner: There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: [phil walks into the bathroom, then hurries out] Holy fuck he's not kidding. There's a tiger in the bathroom!

I'm your brother... from another mother.

Henry Brands

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