Cal: Before I knew, I thought you were a serial killer.
Andy Stitzer: Oh.
Cal: No, I'm serious.

What you laughin' at, cracka?


Well, let's see if you can get this one. I've got a little story for you. All right. There's an old couple in bed. Mary and Paddy. And they wake up on the morning their... fiftieth anniversary. And Mary looks over and gazes adoringly at Paddy, she's like, "Aw, Jesus, Paddy. You're such a good lookin' feller. I love you. I want to give you a little present. Anything your little heart desires, I'm going to give it to ya'. What would you like?" And Paddy's like, "Aw, gee, Mary, that's a very sweet offer. Now, in fifty years, there's one thing that's been missing. And uh... I would like you to give me a blow job. I would like that." And Mary's like, "All right." She takes her teeth out, puts them in the glass and she gives him a blow job. And afterwards, Paddy's like, "Ah, geez, now THAT's what I've been missin'.
That was the most beautiful, Earth-shatterin' thing ever. Beautiful Mary, I love ya'! Is there anything that I can do for you?" And Mary looks up at him and she goes, "Give us a kiss!"


The Sword of Heroes! Said to be so sharp you can get cut just by looking at - Ow!


Capt. Amazing: I knew you couldn't change.
Casanova Frankenstein: I knew you'd know that.
Capt. Amazing: Oh, I know that. AND I knew you'd know I'd know you knew.
Casanova Frankenstein: But I didn't. I only knew that you'd know that I knew. Did you know THAT?
Capt. Amazing: Of course.

God, why do you hate me?


[at the library, discussing Jake's one-night stand] I had no choice. She bet me 50 dollars that she had a better body than you and I had to defend your honor.

Jake Taylor

Columbus: Don't be afraid to use your ammunition, that lady should have, would have, could have, saved herself. Rule number 4: Double Tap.

If you ever disrespect my wife again, I will end you. I will fucking end you. You got that, chief?


[after blowing away a crook who wouldn't "Freeze!"] Didn't you hear what I said? What are you, deaf? What is this, a game?


I wanted to see exotic Vietnam... the crown jewel of Southeast Asia. I wanted to meet interesting and stimulating people of an ancient culture... and kill them. I wanted to be the first kid on my block to get a confirmed kill!

Private Joker

Let's get out of here.


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