Fred Duggar: What has two thumbs and likes blowjobs?
[Points to himself with both thumbs]
Fred Duggar: This guy!

Wayne: [enters gas station] Where's the First Presbyterian Church on Gordon Street?
Bad Actor: Uh...
Wayne: Gordon Street, Gordon Street!
Bad Actor: Uh, Gordon Street! Oh yeah, Gordon Street! Uh, I once knew a girl who lived on Gordon Street. But that was a long time ago. When I was young.
Wayne: [looks at camera] Do we have to put up with this? I mean, can't we get a better actor? I know it's a small part, but I think we can do better than this.
[person from set crew comes in and replaces actor with another one]
Good Actor: Gordon Street? Ah, yes, Gordon Street. I once knew a girl who lived on Gordon Street. Long time ago, when I was a young man. Not a day passes I don't think her and the promise that I made which I will always keep. That one perfect day on Gordon Street. That's uh, five blocks up, two over.
Wayne: [choking back tears] Thank you.
[jumps in car and drives away]

Ah, hon, ya got Arby's all over me.

Marge Gunderson

Ask me about my wiener!

Sherman Schrader

Obi-Wan: But Master Yoda says I should be mindful of the future.
Qui-Gon Jinn: But not at the expense of the moment.

D+?... Oh, my God... I passed! I passed! Oh, man! I got a D+! I'm gonna graduate! [hugs a stranger] I wish we'd known each other... this is a little awkward.

Tommy

Dear Mr. Potter, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Soon, you and your schoolmates will join us here, and your education in the magical arts will begin.

Dumbledore

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Charlie

Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. A normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow. But he won't know what to make of your blinker signal that says you are about to turn right. This is to let him know you're pulling off for a proper place to talk. It will take him a moment to realize that he's about to make a 180 degree turn at speed, but you will be ready for it. Brace for the g's, and fast heel-toe work.

Raoul Duke

Brian Chavez: Hey Boobie, you didn't lift.
Boobie Miles: I don't have to. This is God given talent.

Doug Neidermeyer: How does it feel to be an independent, Schoenstein?
Boon: How does it feel to be an asshole, Neidermeyer?

Humph. Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness.

The Architect

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