I wouldn't trade places with Edmund Exley right now for all the whisky in Ireland.

Captain Dudley Smith

Phil Parma: I'd like to get an order of peanut butter, umm, uh, cigarettes, Camel Light, uhh, water...
Pink Dot Girl: Bottled water?
Phil Parma: No. You know what, forget the water. Just give me a loaf of bread. White bread.
Pink Dot Girl: Okay.
Phil Parma: And, umm, do you have Playboy magazine?
Pink Dot Girl: Yeah.
Phil Parma: Okay, one of those, and uh, Penthouse? The magazine?
Pink Dot Girl: Yeah.
Phil Parma: You have that? Okay uh, one of those, and umm... Hustler?
Pink Dot Girl: Yeah.
Phil Parma: You have that?
Pink Dot Girl: Yeah, I said. That it?
Phil Parma: Yeah that's it.
Pink Dot Girl: Still want the peanut butter, bread, and cigarettes?
Phil Parma: Yeah. What?

If he had guts to knock Mom cold once, then maybe she'd be happy and then she'd stop picking on him. Because they make mush out of him! Just mush!

Jim Stark

If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.

Happy Gilmore

Lucy: If I tell?
Fanny: I can assure you, I'm as silent as the grave.

If I'm being completely honest, he does have these amazing balls that I just love to play with. They're firmer and fuzzier. [looks around] Tennis balls! He's my tennis partner!

Tracy

If you died right now, I would throw myself under one of my Dad's cement trucks so I could be poured into your tomb.

Tammy Metzler

If you don't have my money, then you are mine.

Teddy KGB

If you were a casino game, you would have the best odds.

Kyle

I'll be really quick. You won't feel a thing.

Mike McDermott

I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school.

Rufus T. Firefly

Sam Baldwin: I'll tell you what I'm doing this weekend, I'm getting laid. It's the 1990's and nobody's getting laid. I'm the only man in America who's getting laid this weekend and I haven't been laid that much. Six girls in college, maybe seven.
[sees Jonah standing in the doorway]
Sam Baldwin: How long have you been standing there?
Jonah Baldwin: Forever.
Sam Baldwin: What did you just hear me say?
Jonah Baldwin: Six girls in college, maybe seven.
Sam Baldwin: Seven... EIGHT! Mary Kelly.

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