[on seeing eggs scratching his crotch] NO! Don't scratch those! That's why they're called privates!


Damon Macready: After Hit Girl takes out a room of drug dealers and is about to be attacked by a bouncer, the bouncer is sniped "We keep our backs where?
Hit Girl: To the wall, I know Daddy, it won't happen again, nice shot by the way
Damon Macready: Thank you.

Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

You ain't got a license to kill bookies and today I ain't sellin' any. So take your flunky and dangle.

Leo O'Bannion

Quit smiling, you're suppose to be professional.

Rocket Raccoon

He was never a person, he was a journalist!

Jeff Bebe

Sidney Deane: Billy, I have four words for you: "Listen to the Woman".
Billy Hoyle: What the hell does that mean, "Listen to the woman"? I TRIED to listen to the woman and you're the one who talked me out of it.
Sidney Deane: Wait a minute. I didn't talk you out of anything. I presented you with an option and you took it.

We were close once, we started this whole Expendables thing together but... we had a falling out.


Scott Evil: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.
Therapist: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.
Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.

Oz: Am I dreaming?
Theodora: You're in Oz.

Mary Wilke: I guess I should straighten my life out, huh? I mean, Donnie my analyst is always telling me...
Isaac Davis: You call your analyst Donnie?
Mary Wilke: Yeah, I call him Donnie.
Isaac Davis: Donnie, your analyst? I call mine Dr. Chomsky, y'know, he hits me with a ruler.

What's the craziest thing you've done lately?


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