Helping the little lady along are you, my fine gentlemen? Well stay away from her, or I'll stuff a mattress with you! And you, I'll make you into a beehive. Here Scarecrow, want to play ball?

Wicked Witch of the West

Sister Doris: Do you like birthday parties, Leonard... I mean, LeeJohn?
LeeJohn: I don't know. I never had one.
Sister Doris: You never had a birthday party?
LeeJohn: When they took me to my foster home, they lost my birth certificate. So, nobody never knew when my birthday was.
Sister Doris: Aww... I know when it is.
LeeJohn: You do? When?
Sister Doris: Today!

[Shooting hoops and continuously missing] I was, like, gettin' 'em all in before you showed up.

Captain Howard

The dead remember our indifference. The dead remember our silence.

President James Marshall

Dixie: Hey, what about your boyfriend? What was his name?
Roxanne Kowalski: Richard.
Dixie: When's he coming?
Roxanne Kowalski: He's not. He's not coming.
Dixie: What happened?
Roxanne Kowalski: We just ran out of gas. I guess I mistook sex for love.
Sandy: Oh, I did that once. It was great.

Rabbi Jake Schram: What's the story of Sodom and Gomorrah really about? Anyone? Steve Posner.
Steve Posner: Sexual perversion.
Rabbi Jake Schram: Sexual perversion. Steve Posner's watching too much Spice Channel!

Jean: Do you want to hear something funny?
Maria: What's that Mrs. Jean?
Jean: You're the best friend I've got.

Courtney: Darcy thinks she should get captain 'cause her dad pays for everything.
Whitney: He should use some of that money to buy her a clue.

This valley is just one long smorgasboard.

Valentine McKee

Is the world fundamentally a better place because of science and technology? We shop at home, we surf the Web... at the same time, we feel emptier, lonelier and more cut off from each other than at any other time in human history...

Palmer Joss

Dr. Jules Hilbert: Have you met anyone recently who might loathe the very core of you?
Harold Crick: I just started auditing a woman who told me to get bent.
Dr. Jules Hilbert: Well, that sounds like a comedy. Try to develop that.

Father Brian Finn: You must think I'm such an idiot!
Anna Riley: No, Brian!
Father Brian Finn: No, no no, I think I'm an idiot!

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