George Simmons: So, Ira Wright? That's not your real name. You're hiding some Judaism.
Ira Wright: I don't think I can hide that. My face is circumcised.

We are *so* lucky. We are *so* lucky to have been raised amongst catalogs.

Meg Swan

Well that oughta be easy for a genuine son of a bitch.


Someone has been pissing on my Gamecube and I'm about to close the case.


[saying grace] And please help Richard to marry Diane so that I may have grandchildren, and that the Pope may have more followers.

Richie's Mother

Eugene: OK. You know, I'm going to have to consult my spirit guides here, because you tell me that Trevor is withholding from you, but you won't tell me anything specific and you still want me to sit here and divine why.
Arley: Divine why? You always talk like that?
Eugene: Yes.
Arley: You go to some big, fancy school?
Eugene: Yes.
Arley: Think you can stop rubbing my nose in it?

Sometimes you can break something so bad, that it can't get put back together.


Maria: I'd like to thank each and every one of you for the precious gift you left in my pocket today.
Captain von Trapp: Um, what gift?
Maria: It's meant to be a secret, Captain, between the children and me.
Captain von Trapp: Uh-huh. Then I suggest that you keep it, and let us eat.
Maria: Knowing how nervous I must have been, a stranger in a new household, knowing how important it was for me to feel accepted. It was so kind and thoughtful of you to make my first moments here so warm and happy and... pleasant.
[All the while, the children look guilty. Marta starts to cry]
Captain von Trapp: What is the matter, Marta?
Marta: Nothing.
[Louisa, Brigitta and Gretl join in, while Liesl, Friedrich and Kurt continue to look guilty]
Captain von Trapp: Uh, Fräulein... is it to be at every meal, or merely at dinnertime, that you, uh, intend leading us all through this rare and wonderful new world of... indigestion?
Maria: Oh, they're all right, Captain. They're just happy.
[All of the girls, except Liesl, continue to cry out of guilt]

Samuel: Tristan! Get back to your unit!
Tristan: Those boys are boring. I'd rather have you watching my back.

Al Powell: You ain't pissing in somebody's pool, are you?
John McClane: Yeah, and I'm fresh out of chlorine.

Pete: Do you think maybe we've gone too far? I'm a child of divorce and I sympathize with them.
Teddy Sanders: My parents love each other, and I think it's hilarious.

Leon, somewhere in Libya right now, a janitor's working the night shift at Libyan Intelligence headquarters. He's going about doing his job... because he has no idea, in about an hour he's going to die in a massive explosion. He's just going about his job, because he has no idea that about an hour ago I gave an order to have him killed. You've just seen me do the least presidential thing I do.

President Andrew Shepherd

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