Pop Fisher: My ma urged me to get out of this game. When I was a kid, she pleaded with me. And I meant to, you know what I mean? But she died.
Red Blow: Tough.
Pop Fisher: Now look at me. I'm wet nurse to a last-place, dead-to-the-neck-up ball club, and I'm choking to death!

Nick Rice: You think your wife and daughter would feel good about you killing in their name?
Clyde Shelton: My wife and daughter can't feel anything. They're dead.

I would like to make an announcement. There is a beautiful woman masturbating on my bed.

Jim

Cal: [to Andy about telling Trish he's a virgin] Yeah, you should definitely tell her, because I saw this movie called "Liar Liar" and the message was, "*Don't* lie."
[pause]
Cal: And that was a smart movie.

[rapping] ... You never gonna judge me, though / 'Cause you don't know what the fuck I've been through / But I know something about you / You went to Cranbrook - that's a private school / What's the matter, dog? / You're embarrassed? / This guy's a gangster? / His real name is Clarence / And Clarence lives at home wit both parents / And Clarence parents have a real good marriage...

B. Rabbit

Well, you can forget your troubles with those Imperial slugs. I told you I'd outrun 'em.

Han Solo

Nathan Arizona Sr.: All right, boy, I guess you got a reward coming, $25,000. Or, if you need home furnishings, I can give you a line of credit at any of my stores. In fact, that's the way I'd rather handle it. Tax reasons.
Ed McDonnough: We don't want no reward. We didn't bring him back for money.
Nathan Arizona Sr.: We can work it that way, too!

My ex-wife left me for another woman.

Isaac Davis

Deputy Chief Hardy: Well I hoped never to see you again.
Schmidt: What's up, dawg?
Jenko: We back!
Deputy Chief Hardy: Ladies, nobody gave a s*** about the Jump Street reboot but you got lucky. So now this department has invested a lot of money to make sure Jump Street keeps going. The only problem is the Koreans bought the church back so we're moving you across the road to 22 Jump Street.

Rufus T. Firefly: Maybe you can suggest something. As a matter of fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon.
Ambassador Trentino: What?
Rufus T. Firefly: I, uh, I'm sorry I said that; it isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.

[Ronny to Cousing Betty]
Ronny: Who are you?
Cousin Betty: I am cousin Betty.
Ronny: Are you first?
Cousin Betty: Second.

Lloyd Christmas: You guys wanna play he who smelt it?
Travis: What's that?
Harry Dunne: It's complicated so pay attention.
Lloyd Christmas: We put the windows up, first one who smells the fart gets a point.
Harry Dunne: If you say who dealt it, double points!
Travis: I don’t want to play that!
Harry Dunne: Ok fine. Lloyd and I will play one on one.
Lloyd Christmas: Ya!
Travis: How can you play one on one? If you smell a fart and you didn't do it, isn't it obvious the other guy did?
Lloyd Christmas: I thought you said you never played before?

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