See, I'm a man of simple tastes. I like gunpowder...and dynamite...and gasoline! Do you know what all of these things have in common? They're cheap!

The Joker

There was this mollusk, and he walks up to this sea cucumber. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So the sea mollusk says to the cucumber...


Narrator: This is Bob. Bob had bitch tits. This was a support group for men with testicular cancer. The big moosie slobbering all over me... that was Bob.
Robert Paulson: We're still men.
Narrator: Yes, we're men. Men is what we are. Eight months ago, Bob's testicles were removed. Then hormone therapy. He developed bitch tits because his testosterone was too high and his body upped the estrogen. And that was where I fit...
Robert Paulson: They're gonna have to open my pecs again to drain the fluid.
Narrator: Between those huge sweating tits that hung enormous, the way you'd think of God's as big.

A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish.

Ty Webb

Thurgood Jenkins: I be from Jamaica, mon. Lord have mercy.
Samson Simpson: What part of Jamaica?
Thurgood Jenkins: Right near da beach. Boy-eeee!

I like to think of Jesus as wearin' a Tuxedo T-Shirt, that says, like, "I want to be formal, but I like to party too." I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party too.

Cal Naughton Jr

The heart is not like a box that gets filled up; it expands in size the more you love. I'm different from you. This doesn't make me love you any less. It actually makes me love even more.


I got mind control over Deebo. He be like "shut the f**k up." I be quiet. But when he leave, I be talking again.


You can't go. All the plants are gonna die.

John Winger

How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?... Yeah... Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.

Uncle Rico

Old Timer at Gas Station: This is one sweet ride.
[commenting on the Mercedes as Alan is pumping the gas]
Alan Garner: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Don't look at me.
[the old man walks away]
Alan Garner: That's right. You better walk on. I'll hit an old man in public!

Nacho: Ok. Orphans! Listen to Ignacio. I know it is fun to wrestle. A nice piledrive to the face... or a punch to the face... but you cannot do it. Because, it is in the Bible not to wrestle your neighbour.
Chancho: So you've never wrestled?
Nacho: Me? No. Come on. Don't be crazy. I know the wrestlers get all the fancy ladies, and the clothes, and the fancy creams and lotions. But my life is good! Really good! I get to wake up every morning, at 5AM, and make some soup! It's the best. I love it. I get to lay in a bed, all by myself, all of my life! That's fantastic! Go. Go away! Read some books!

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