Simon Bishop: Rot in hell, Melvin!
Melvin Udall: No need to stop being a lady. Quit worryin! You'll be back on your knees in no time!

All right, I know I'm just the groom, and I'm not supposed to say anything, like uh, a speech. But I don't care what the rules are, because I really wanna thank my family. My mom and dad, my Uncle Gary and Aunt Grace. Uncle Ted, Aunt Celeste, and their children Denise and Jessica. My Bishop Tom and his wife, Helen. My neighbor, John, and his new girlfriend, Tanya. And all the guys at Lean Machine Inc., Bobo, Mullethead, Big Sam.

Virgil Malloy

I hate you Kenny.

Eric Cartman

Matilda: I've been trying to reach you for a week.
Derek Zoolander: A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.
Matilda: That was last Friday.
Derek Zoolander: Uhh Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?

Either you're deliberately out of tune and sabotaging my band, or you don't know you're out of tune, and that's even worse.

Terence Fletcher

Kai: We got a tip this place is going to get hit.
Kung: When?
Kai: Right now.

Grace: What the hell is wrong with you two? You are completely obsessed with sex! This morning you left the computer on g*ng***gf*c*b*!
Fred: I get my weather from that site.

What have we done?

Bilbo Baggins

Marshall Sisco: Are you gonna go get him?
Karen Sisco: It's possible, why?
Marshall Sisco: Well, I was thinking, you could have a nice time with him on the ride down - like picking up where your interlude or whatever you call it left off - and then you could throw him in the shit house!

[after Mike's secret is revealed at the dinner table]
Troy: I think I should probably go.
Terry: No. I think you need to stay. We'll probably need some law enforcement up in here.

Balthasar: [during the crucifixion] I have lived too long.
Sheik Ilderim: Bonehead! Give me those reins! You think you can treat my horses like animals? To drive cows and goats is all you're fit for! Get off, idiot!
[he kicks the driver off the chariot]

Fran Kubelik: I never catch colds.
C.C. Baxter: Really? I was reading some figures from the Sickness and Accident Claims Division. You know that the average New Yorker between the ages of twenty and fifty has two and a half colds a year?
Fran Kubelik: That makes me feel just terrible.
C.C. Baxter: Why?
Fran Kubelik: Well, to make the figures come out even, if I have no colds a year, some poor slob must have five colds a year.
C.C. Baxter: Yeah... it's me.

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