[lying in bed imagining the scene] You are as abandoned and noisy as any character in a porn film, Laura. You are Ian's plaything, responding to his touch with shrieks of orgasmic delight. No woman in the history of the world is having better sex than sex you are having with Ian... in my head.

Rob

Rosemary Woodhouse: What have you done to him? What have you done to his eyes, you maniacs!
Roman Castevet: He has his father's eyes.
Rosemary Woodhouse: What do you mean? Guy's eyes are normal!

Buzz: I just want you to know that even though you tried to terminate me, revenge is not an idea we promote on my planet.
Woody: Oh. Well, that's good.
Buzz: But we're not on my planet, are we?
Woody: No. Daaaah-oof!
Buzz: [he attacks Woody]
Woody: Okay, come on. You got a piece of me.
Buzz: [gets knocked down by Woody, he closes his helmet on Woody's hand]
Woody: Ow!

Kirk Lazarus: Action Jackson can't cry, that's what's going down.
Tugg Speedman: You know what Kirk, I'm ready to do the scene!
Kirk Lazarus: Now it's time to flip the script! I'm gonna have to wait till Chinese New Year for my man to cry.

Miss Kubelik, one doesn't get to be a second administrative assistant around here unless he's a pretty good judge of character, and as far as I'm concerned you're tops. I mean, decency-wise and otherwise-wise.

C.C. Baxter

As long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat-crap what or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors for now?

Melvin Udall

Roger... Pay the two dollars.

Clara Thornhill

Beth: Listen, Henry...
Henry: Please, call me Henry.
Beth: Okay, Henry it is.

Larry: He's very pretty.
Alice: She's... very tall.

Jess: I know you're doing something big. I want in. Can we skip the part where I lead you to believe there is some earth-shattering hump in the works?
Nicky: There's no earth-shattering hump in the works?!
Jess: No
Nicky: I don't even get thinly veiled allure?
Jess: No
Nicky: That's some of my favorite s***.
Jess: I'm sorry.

There are a lot of things in my life that I thought were real and ended up being fake. Why can't the opposite be true?

Monica

Julie: I can't believe I trusted him...
Helen: Well, what did you expect from a kid like that?
Julie: Oh, Mom, back off. The last guy you dated stole our furniture.

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