[getting drunk] First they take Ugarte and then she walks in. Well, I guess that's the way it goes... one out and one in.


Let me tell you about the time I turned a Tyrannosaurus Rex into Tyrannosaurus Rachel.


Yo mamas so hairy, the only language she speaks is wookie!


Ha, your pig fiance is too late!


Kelly Robinson: Hey, what's this? It looks like a sock.
Alexander Scott: It's a secret spy mask.
[Kelly puts it on]
Kelly Robinson: Hey man, this is a sock!

[after Rosemary's weight crushed a chair]
Hal: Jesus Christ! What the hell's wrong with this chair? What's this shit made out of, anyway?
Restaurant Manager: Uhh... Steel.

Becca Darling: This is really happening...
Judy Dutton: It's gonna be alright, we're gonna be ok.
Becca Darling: You don't really believe that, do you?

I sure was surprised the day Lisa Flanagan asked me for a ride home and ended up blowing me.

Paul Metzler

Marshall Sisco: Yeah, so I read in the paper that this guy escapes from jail, ends up at this guy's wife's house and she let's him in. So he tells her his story and she feels, sorry for him, and they sleep together.
Ray Nicolet: Yeah.
Marshall Sisco: Yeah, so I guess that's how you score these days.

Teen #1: Jay says you guys had a Star Wars themed wedding, and you tied the knot dressed as Storm Troopers.
Teen #2: Yeah, and he says you're the bitch and you're the butch.
Dante Hicks: I'm the BITCH?
Randal Graves: Well, if we were gay, that's certainly the way I'd see it.
Dante Hicks: Will you shut up!
Teen #1: Holy shit, dude. The honeymoon's over.

Chas: I've had a rough year, dad.
Royal: I know you have, Chassie.

Charley: Needless to say, we don't carry firearms anymore. Sometimes you pull them out and think they're not loaded, and...
Bobby Davis: You blow your deputy's ear off.
Charley: Yeah.

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