Austin: All I said was: "I'm pretending to whisper a big secret in your ear so that Jake here thinks I'm telling you a secret, which will cause him to break into a hysterical confession where he actually reveals a big secret. Thus confirming everything I just whispered in your ear."

Robert the Bruce: Lands, titles, men, power... nothing.
Robert's Father: Nothing?
Robert the Bruce: I have nothing. Men fight for me because if they do not, I throw them off my land and I starve their wives and children. Those men who bled the ground red at Falkirk fought for William Wallace. He fights for something that I never had. And I took it from him, when I betrayed him. I saw it in his face on the battlefield and it's tearing me apart.
Robert's Father: All men betray. All lose heart.
Robert the Bruce: I don't want to lose heart. I want to believe as he does.

The latest thing from Q branch; called a radio.

James Bond

It was the pioneer days; people had to make their own interrogation rooms -- out of cornmeal.


Biff Tannen: What are you looking at, butt head?
Skinhead: Hey Biff, get a load of this guy's life preserver. Dork thinks he's gonna drown.

Ulysses Everett McGill: What'd the devil give you for your soul, Tommy?
Tommy Johnson: Well, he taught me to play this here guitar real good.
Delmar O'Donnell: Oh son, for that you sold your everlasting soul?
Tommy Johnson: Well, I wasn't usin' it.

That lad is drinking me out o' house an' home.

Mrs. Lovett

Natalie: But even if you get revenge you're not gonna remember it. You're not even going to know that it happened.
Leonard Shelby: My wife deserves vengance. Doesn't make a difference whether I know about it. Just becuase there are things I don't remember doesn't make my actions meaningless. The world doesn't just disappear when you close your eyes, does it? Anyway, maybe I'll take a photograph to remind myself, get another freaky tattoo.

Leo: If you put 'Cut Kittens' the title of your video, you will have a million hits, then you can put that as a link to your standup.
Ira Wright: Why not just put 'Megan Fox giving a blowjob'?

[manipulating Dupree's mouth so Jack seems to be speaking to him] Oh hell yeah, we was just at the wrong place at the wrong time, so don't feel so bad, chief.

Darwin Tremor

Moe: He's got a headache. [to Larry]
Larry: No I don't!
Moe: [bangs Larry in the head with a hammer] How 'bout now?
Larry: Yeah, It's comin' on.

Viola De Lesseps: I loved a writer and gave up the prize for a sonnet.
William Shakespeare: I was the more deceived.
Viola De Lesseps: Yes, you were deceived, for I did not know how much I loved you.

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