I'm not saying I'm responsible for this countries longest run of uninterrupted peace in 35 years! I'm not saying that from the ashes of captivity, never has an American saying been more personified, I'm not saying Uncle Sam can kick back on a long chair sipping on an ice tea because I haven't come across anyone man enough to face me on my best day!

Tony Stark

Is Terrance and Philip affecting America's youth? Here with that report is a midget in a bikini.

Newscaster

Queen Elizabeth II: Have we shown you how to start a nuclear war yet?
Tony Blair: Uh, no.
Queen Elizabeth II: No? First thing we do, apparently. Then we take away your passport and spend the rest of the time sending you around the world.

Stanley Goodspeed: You know how this shit works?
Captain Darrow: [draws his knife] You know how THIS shit works?
Stanley Goodspeed: Listen, I think we got off on the wrong foot. Stan Goodspeed, FBI. Uh... let's talk music. Do you like the Elton John song "Rocket Man."
Captain Darrow: I don't like soft-ass shit!
Stanley Goodspeed: Oh, oh, you don't, oh... well, I only bring it up because, uh, it's you. You're the rocket man!
[He hits the firing switch, Darrow screams as the rocket takes off, spearing him in the chest]
Stanley Goodspeed: How do you like how THAT SHIT WORKS!?

Normally, my prospects of coming back alive from a meeting with Nicky were 99 out of 100. But this time, when I heard him say a couple of hundred yards down the road, I gave myself 50-50.

Ace Rothstein

Narrator: Oh, yeah, Chloe... Chloe looked the way Meryl Streep's skeleton would look if you made it smile and walk around the party being extra nice to everybody.
Chloe: Well, I'm still here. But I don't know for how long. That's as much certainty as anyone can give me. But I've got some good news: I no longer have any fear of death. But... I am in a pretty lonely place. No-one will have sex with me. I'm so close to the end and all I want is to get laid for the last time. I have pornographic movies in my apartment, and lubricants, and amyl nitrate...

Steven Kovacs: Hey, wait, come back!
Chip Douglas: Well look who decided to show.
Steven Kovacs: You were supposed to be here 4 hours ago.
Chip Douglas: Was I? So I'm the tardy one?
Steven Kovacs: Yeah, I was gonna go to that bed and bath place and now it's closed.
Chip Douglas: Well maybe I shouldn't have come at all, JERK OFF! I'm just jokin' with ya.

Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes! I'd vote for you.
Pedro: Like what are my skills?
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.

Look - you should be happy for me. You don't know what he says to me in private. Maybe it is love - as much as it can be...

Penny Lane

Virginia Woolf: You return to what?
Vanessa Bell: Tonight. Oh, just some insufferable dinner not even you could envy, Virginia.
Virginia Woolf: But I do.

Billy? Get outta there! Come about! Let it- let it carry you out of there! What the hell are you doing? Billy! For Christ sake! You're steaming into a bomb! Turn around for Christ sake! Billy, can ya hear me? You're headed right for the middle of the monster! Billy?... Oh, my God!

Linda Greenlaw

Jane: How could you do something so vicious
Vincent Ludwig: It was easy my dear. You forget I spent two years as a building contractor.

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