Truth is for suckers, Johnny Boy.


If I die, tell my turtle he's gay!

Master Roshi

You probably think this world is a dream come true... but you're wrong.


Kasey: Courtney'll get captain. The guys like touching her butt.
Darcy: Yeah, she's got a lot to hang on to. What's the plural for 'butt'? On one person, I mean.
Carver: She puts the "ass" in "massive."
Darcy: You put the "lewd" in "deluded."

Tommy: Where are we gonna take the deer?
Richard Hayden: I dunno, the vet?
Tommy: You take dead animals to the vet?
Richard Hayden: Why not? I'd take you to the vet.
Tommy: Yeah I'll take you to the... Um...
Richard Hayden: Got that?
Tommy: Shut up.

[to her husband after he stares at a group of girls] Why don't you just lick 'em when they walk by?


Zed: You could be my right-hand man.
Oh: I've seen what you do with your right hand. No, thank you.

All every woman really wants, be it a mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep dicking.

Banky Edwards

Harold: Dude, we're so high right now!
Kumar: We're not low!

Morgan: They said there are one of two outcomes of an invasion. One: they fight, and are defeated, and have to return again with full forces hundreds or even thousands of years later.
Graham Hess: What's two?
Morgan: They win.

Double or nothing.


Maggie Witzky: LISA?
Lisa: You impregnated my sister again.
Maggie Witzky: BITCH!
Lisa: I thought you wanted me to tell him.
Maggie Witzky: Why, because I said don't?

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