When I came to, the general back-alley ambience of the suite was so rotten, so incredibly foul. How long had I been lying there? All these signs of violence. What had happened? There was evidence in this room of excessive consumption of almost every type of drug known to civilized man since 1544 AD. What kind of addict would need all these coconut husks and crushed honeydew rinds? Would the presence of junkies account for all these uneaten french fries? These puddles of glazed ketchup on the bureau? Maybe so. But then why all this booze? And these crude pornographic photos smeared with mustard that had dried to a hard yellow crust? These were not the hoofprints of your average God-fearing junky. It was too savage. Too aggressive.

Raoul Duke

When it comes to relationships with women, I'm the winner of the August Strindberg Award.

Isaac Davis

Interviewer: Where did you go to school?
Josh: It was called George Washington.
Interviewer: Oh G.W. My brother-in-law got his doctorate there. Did you pledge?
Josh: Yes. Every morning.

Watching Boy: [stares at Willie] I saw you at another mall.
Willie: Well, I'm happy for you.
Watching Boy: If you really are Santa, you could do magic.
Willie: [whispers] Wanna see some magic? OK, let's watch you disappear!

Who the fuck are the Knutsens?

The Dude

Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?

President Skroob

Capt. Dickson: Somebody's cooking up a new drug.
Jenko: Wipe? wipey? Wipey?
Capt. Dickson: No, you dumb motherfucker, WiFi
Schmidt: Play on, player.
Capt. Dickson: Why every time you speak I want to throw the fuck up?

Will there be boobies?

Sleazy Studio Guy

Charlie Tweeder: Will you listen to me? Bitches are all just panty droppers. You understand? That's it.
Mox: What?
Charlie Tweeder: Listen. You give 'em Percocet, two Vicoden and a couple of beers, and the panties drop. It's very nice.
Mox: [laughing] It's nice.
Charlie Tweeder: [emphatically] It's nice.
Mox: Tweeder, you think you'll enjoy prison?
Charlie Tweeder: [not paying attention] I don't know.
[looks up]
Charlie Tweeder: What?

Brody: Yeah, but I'm not drunk enough to go out on a boat.
Hooper: Yes, you are.
Brody: No, I'm not.
Hooper: Yes, you are.
Brody: I can't do that.
Hooper: Yes, you can.

Jenny Summers: [about Axel] What are you gonna do to him?
Victor Maitland: I think you should be more worried about what we're going to do with you.
Axel Foley: Yeah, Jenny, don't worry about me. We got cocaine and coffee here. We're gonna get wired and have a big party.

You ain't the future o' shit, bitch. You're just David fuckin' Porter.

B. Rabbit

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