Lester Burnham: I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist. You two do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it, and I don't complain.
Carolyn Burnham: Oh, you don't complain? Then I must be psychotic, then! What is this? Yeah, let's bring in the laugh-meter and see how loud it gets.
Lester Burnham: [throws the asparagus plate at the wall] Don't interrupt me, honey! Oh, yeah, and one more thing, from now on we're going to have alternate dinner music because frankly - and I don't think I'm alone here - I'm getting tired of this Lawrence Welk shit.

Melissa: You know what? I'm not even going to talk to you. Would you please leave.
Ace Ventura: Why? So you can beat him?
[talking about Melissa's dog]
Ace Ventura: Fatty.
Melissa: You're unbelievable. Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made.
Ace Ventura: Well, why don't you cry about it. Saddlebags.

Nicholas Garrigan: My name is Nicholas Garrigan, and I'm from Scotland. I need to go home now.
Idi Amin: Your home... is here.

Go Go Tomago: Why is Baymax wearing carbon fiber underpants?
Baymax: This may undermine my non-threatening huggable design.
Fred: He's glorious!

Justice: If I go to prison will you wait for me?
Jay: Hmm, I don't know. Will you fuck me when you get out?

Coach Ken Carter: I end up taking a road trip to the suburbs where I find my drunk ass point guard on top of Daddy's little princess.
Worm: Actually, I was on the bottom, coach, she was on the top.

My God, man! Drilling holes in his head isn't the answer! Now put away your butcher knives and let me save this patient before it's too late!

McCoy

Lloyd Christmas: Why don't you roll me inside. We can get the nurse to get the catheter out of me.
Harry Dunne: We don't need nurses for that.
Lloyd Christmas: But don't you have to...

Major Tom Baxter: We're asking them. We're asking them for a new deadline.
General Hummel: Put the phone down.
Major Tom Baxter: The men are falling apart!
General Hummel: The men are Marines!
Major Tom Baxter: Are they?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins.

Dr. Evil

I saw this girl next to me who wasn't beautiful until she smiled.

Jim Carroll

Roy: How about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the the novelty machine in the men's room? I mean, those are fun even when you're alone. We're talkin' the hula hoop of the nineties.
Lancaster Bowl Manager: Look, I've told you. We don't need nuthin'. We don't even have a novelty machine in the men's room anymore.
Roy: And you call yourselves a bowling alley?

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