So, I'm tendin' bar there at Ecklund and Swedlin's last Tuesday and this little guy's drinkin' and he says, "So where can a guy find some action? I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake." And I says, "What kinda action?" and he says, "Woman action, what do I look like?" And I says, "Well, what do I look like, I don't arrange that kinda thing," and he says, "I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake," and I says, "Well, this ain't that kinda place."

Mr. Mohra

Mrs. Beaumont: Are you married?
Fiona: No.
Mrs. Beaumont: Are you a lesbian?
Fiona: Good lord! What makes you ask that?
Mrs. Beaumont: Well, it is one of the possibillites for unmarried girls nowadays, and it's rather more interesting than saying, "Oh dear, never met the right chap," eh?
Fiona: Quite right. Why be dull?
Mrs. Beaumont: Thank you.

Kirsten Toomey: [crying] Please God.
Marlow: No God.

[to Horton] You are a warrior poet!

Morton

Todd's looking for you. He is really pissed. You know what he said? This is your worst fuck up ever. Personally, I don't think that's true.

Jeffery

Lena: How do you say "lost pants" in Greek?
Yia Yia: Greek girls do not lose their pants!

Evelle: Gale? Um, Junior just had a ... an accident.
Gale: What's that, pardner?
Evelle: He had hisself a little ol' accident.
Gale: What do you mean? He looks okay.
Evelle: No. You see, moving though we are, he just went and had hisself a little ol' rest stop.
Gale: [sniffs the air] Well, that's natural.

All you need is scented candles, massage oil, and Barry White. Write that down.

Van Wilder

Opal: Have you been in Vietnam?
Pfc. Glenn Kelly: Huh?
[Nods]
Opal: Yes, you have. I can tell by your face. Was it awful?
Pfc. Glenn Kelly: It was kinda... hot and wet.

Supreme Chancellor: Remember back to your early teachings. "All who gain power are afraid to lose it." Even the Jedi.
Anakin Skywalker: The Jedi use their power for good.
Supreme Chancellor: Good is a point of view, Anakin. The Sith and the Jedi are similar in almost every way, including their quest for greater power.
Anakin Skywalker: The Sith rely on their passion for their strength. They think inward, only about themselves.
Supreme Chancellor: And the Jedi don't?
Anakin Skywalker: The Jedi are selfless... they only care about others.

I could make a better sex-ed film with my mom!

Eli

Michael Bolton: You were supposed to come in Saturday. What were you doing?
Peter Gibbons: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be.

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