Well if you like borsch perhaps, but I've eaten better in an oily GALLEY. My wife said to the waiter, "where did this man learn to cook? AFGHANISTAN? So then we went on to the Bolshoi ballet, to see this new girl Gizelle. Well, you remember how BEAUTIFUL she was! Well, she just married a factory manager and...

Dr. Petrov

Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going.

Regina: Oh my God, I love your skirt! Where did you get it?
Lea Edwards: It was my mom's in the '80s.
Regina: Vintage, so adorable.
Lea Edwards: Thanks!
Regina: That is the ugliest f-ing skirt I've ever seen.

I believe in Holden Caulfield. And in the book, and what he was saying, what he was saying to a lost generation of phony people.

Mark David Chapman

I feel the same way as you feel about Botox. Painful and unnecessary.

Samantha Jones

According to Hope, Froyd died of kitty Lukemia. According to me Froyd died of being trapped in a laundry basket for four days without food or water

Augusten Burroughs

Young Jennifer: I'm old!
Old Jennifer: I'm young!

Kara Milovy: You were fantastic. We're free. James Bond: Kara, we're inside a Russian airbase in the middle of Afghanistan.

[in a text to Jessica] Demi Moore is 15 years older than Ashton Kutcher. They seem happy together.

Robbie

The Missing Link: [about Susan] She's speechless!
B.O.B.: She? It's a boy; look at his boobies!
The Missing Link: We need to have a talk.

We had a nice couple of minutes together. She threatened me, I patronized her. Didn't have anything to eat, but I thought there was a connection.

President Andrew Shepherd

I'm not a homophobe, I'm a pulling out-my-penis in-front-of you-ophobe.

Dave Buznik

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