Don't avenge me, Nancy. It'll be the death of you.

John Hartigan

Farva: It doesn't matter cause I'm going to win 10 million dollars.
Thorny: What are you going to do with 10 million dollars, and you can't say buy the Cleveland Cavaliers.
Farva: I'd buy a 10 million dollar car.
Thorny: That's fine I'd still pull you over.
Farva: Bull Shit. You couldn't pull me over, and even if you did I'd activate my car's wings and I'd fly away.
[pulls off ticket from cup and cola spills all over him from the hole behind the ticket]
Farva: Stupid burger punk!

Bruce: Anchor! Chum!
Anchor: There you are, Bruce. Finally!
Bruce: We've got company.
Anchor: Well, it's about time, mate!
Chum: We've already gone through the snacks, and we're still starving!
Anchor: We almost had us a feeding frenzy.
Chum: Come on, let's get this over with.

Martin: I think he's using the dice move a bit too much.
Jay: I think that's pretty much all he's got.

Apes together strong!

Caesar

All the horrible things in your life... Your father, the wars, knowing that the woman you loved was hunted down. I can make all this go away. Join me, and you will have your revenge.

William Stryker

Sha-zam.

Foxxy Cleopatra

Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.
Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.

[after Linus complains] Are you hosting a telethon we don't know about?

Reuben Tishkoff

Vinny Gambini: I understand you played a game of pool with Lisa for $200, which she won. I'm here to collect.
J.T.: How 'bout if I just kick your ass?
Vinny Gambini: Oh, a counter-offer. That's what we lawyers - I'm a lawyer - we lawyers call that a counter-offer. This is a tough decision here. Get my ass kicked or collect $200. Let me think... I could use a good ass-kickin', I'll be very honest with you... nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.
J.T.: Over my dead body.
Vinny Gambini: You like to renegotiate as you go along, don't you? Well here's my counter-offer... do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever loving shit out of you?
J.T.: In your dreams.
Vinny Gambini: Oh no no... in reality. If I was to kick the shit out of you, do I get the money?

You got to be a stupid motherfucker to get fired on your day off.

Smokey

You hit me. Look don't make me participate in your stupid crap if you don't like the way I do it. You make me get out of bed, you make me come over here. You make me make a phony phone call to Edward Rooney? The man could squash my nuts into oblivion. And-and-and then, and then, you deliberately hurt my feelings.

Cameron

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