Serendipity: Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake. I sit down in front of the typewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. I can't even write a grocery list.
Bethany: What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob? You inspired them.
Serendipity: That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.

You don't need your mouth to pee.

Frank

Hey, Stosh. I said no.

Michael

[over the CB] All right, listen up guys. 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation.

Theo

You sound like you're from London!

Surfing Instructor

Ron Burgundy: Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?
Brick Tamland: Um, no, no. Too many people died last year, so we're not gonna.

When my first husband left me I was so angry I wanted to cut his brake cables... but instead we ended up having sex on the elliptical machine.

Maria Kelly

Molly Peterson: Did you know Dupree writes poetry?
Carl Peterson: What a homo.

Dan: Knock, knock.
Drey: Who's there?
Dan: The Interrupting Cow.
Drey: The Interrupting Cow, who?
Dan: [realizing he's blown the joke] ... Moooooo.
Drey: [laughing] That was horrible!

Family Feud Steve Harvey, how could he throw us under the bus like that?!

Cedric

I got Harlem. I took care of Harlem, so Harlem's gonna take care of me.

Frank Lucas

Oh, I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?

Jules

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