Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.

Loki

Olive: Why were you unhappy?
Frank: I fell in love with someone...
Grandpa [blows nose loudly]
Frank: ... who didn't love me back.
Olive: Who?
Frank: One of my grad students. I was very much in love with him.
Olive: Him? You fell in love with a boy?
Frank: Very much so.
Olive: That's silly.
Grandpa: There's another word for it...

When all this is over, you'll go back home driving Carla and your baby insane in your beige Volvo. And I'll be dead, or back in prison, which is the same thing.

John Mason

Sheba Hart: I hadn't been pursued like this for years... I knew it was wrong, and immoral, and completely ridiculous, but, I don't know. I just allowed it to happen.
Barbara Covett: The boy is fifteen!
Sheba Hart: But he's quite mature for his age!

Langral: Again, what happened in that hotel room?
Snow: Oh, it was coupon night and I was trampolining your wife.
[Snow is punched in the face]
Langral: You're a real comedian aren't you, Snow?
Snow: Well I guess that's why they call it the punch line.
[Snow is punched again]
Langral: You don't like me, do you?
Snow: Don't flatter yourself. I don't like anybody.
Langral: With that attitude, I can see why nobody likes you.
Snow: Oh, come on. People love me. Just ask your wife.
[Snow is punched again]

Vivian Jaffe: Have you ever transcended space and time?
Albert Markovski: Yes. No. Uh, time, not space... No, I don't know what you're talking about.

Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Crom... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!

Conan

Sounds like big trouble. You're going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over. As your attorney, I advise you to rent a very fast car with no top. And you'll need the cocaine. Tape recorder for special messages. Acapulco shirts. Get the hell out of L.A. for at least 48 hours.

Dr. Gonzo

"I want an escort to escort our penises into her vagina."

Lou [on phone to an escort service]

How many "f's" in "catastrophic"?

Lois Lane

Chick: I've never told anyone this before, but I hate flying. So it would be an awful shame to die now.
Rockhound: You think that's bad? I owe 100 grand to a fat-ass loan shark which I spent on a stripper named Molly Mounds.
Chick: Boy, that's bad.

[practicing his manners] It's a pleasure too meet you! It's a pleasure too meet you

Eggs

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