Marriage is hard enough without bringing such low expectations into it.


Richard Hayden: Oh that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.
Tommy: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. 'Surprised you didn't know that.
Richard Hayden: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
Tommy: Your... Your brain has the shell on it.
Richard Hayden: Are you talking?
Tommy: Shut up, Richard.

Mike Damone: Look at you: member of the honor roll, assistant to the assistant manager of the movie theater. I'm tellin' ya, Rat, if this girl can't smell your qualifications, then who needs her, right?

Mike. Go downstairs and have a Coke and smile.

Marcus Burnett

Mini Me, stop humping the "laser." Honest to God! Why don't you and the giant "laser" get a fricken room for God's sakes?

Dr. Evil

Willie: Mister! Mister! Oh, Mister, wake up!
Short Round: You call him Dr. Jones, doll!
Willie: Okay, Dr. Jones! Dr. Jones, wake up!

Mmm. Gotta love crab. In the nick of time, too. I couldn't take much more of those coconuts. Coconut milk is a natural laxative. That's something Gilligan never told us.

Chuck Noland

Momma's making a pubie salad, and she wants some Seth's own dressing.


Dean 'MF' Jones: "Most killers are first timers. You want to pull off a brilliant murder, you've gotta act like it's an accident. If you do it right, you ain't even gotta be there when it goes down."
Nick: "How are we supposed to fake three accidents?"
Dean 'MF' Jones: "You stalk your prey. You've gotta be smart: find out where they live, find out their habits - what's their hobbies, what they like, what type of food they like. Even if you pull it off perfectly, you crackers got motives. The 'po-po'
Kurt (whispers to Dale): "That means police."
Dean 'MF' Jones: "...will still put it to you."
Nick: "We all have clear motives for killing our bosses, so this is not gonna work - this is garbage."
Dean 'MF' Jones: "Why don't you kill each others bosses?"
Kurt: "That's actually a good idea. Yeah like Hitchcock's 'Strangers on a Train,' right?"
Dale: "The Danny DeVito movie - it's a funny one!"
Kurt: "The famous Alfred Hitchcock/Danny DeVito movie..." (slaps Dale) "that's the one."

Capt. Ramsey: Mr. Hunter, we have rules that are not open to interpretation, personal intuition, gut feelings, hairs on the back of your neck, little devils or angels sitting on your shoulder. We're all very well aware of what our orders are and what those orders mean. They come down from our Commander in Chief. They contain no ambiguity.
Hunter: Captain...
Capt. Ramsey: Mr. Hunter. I've made a decision. I'm Captain of this boat. NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Michael: My father is no different than any powerful man, any man with power, like a president or senator.
Kay Adams: Do you know how naive you sound, Michael? Presidents and senators don't have men killed.
Michael: Oh. Who's being naive, Kay?

My god, Vanessa's got a fabulous body... I bet she shags like a minx... How do I let them know because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner monologue? I hope I didn't just say that all out loud just now.

Austin Powers

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