Louise Sawyer: Decaf or regular?
Girl in diner: Uh, regular, please.
Louise Sawyer: You girls are kinda young to be smokin', dontcha think? Ruins your sex drive.

Van Wilder: But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge... Timmy? I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter because you'll die a lot of times. Write that down.
Suicidal Freshman: I don't have a pen.
Van Wilder: Well remember that then. And you know something, Timmy? I think you've got the balls to make it here. Call me nuts, but I believe in you.

[frightened] I'm going bring this up with the Tenant's Association. You're not supposed to have pets in the building.

Louis

Harry: Professor, why do the dementors affect me so? More than anyone else, I mean?
Professor Lupin: Listen, dementors are among the foulest creatures to walk this earth. They feed on every good feeling, every happy memory until a person is left with nothing but his worst experiences. The dementors affect you more than others because there are true horrors in your past, horrors your classmates can scarcely imagine. You are not weak, Harry. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Harry: I'm scared, Professor.
Professor Lupin: Well, I'd consider you a fool if you weren't.

Uncle Rico: What about your girlfriend?
Kip: Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious.

Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. A normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow. But he won't know what to make of your blinker signal that says you are about to turn right. This is to let him know you're pulling off for a proper place to talk. It will take him a moment to realize that he's about to make a 180 degree turn at speed, but you will be ready for it. Brace for the g's, and fast heel-toe work.

Raoul Duke

I won't tell your mother about this, right now I'm going to bed. And take that stuff off your face before your mother sees you.

Jake Houseman

Jenna: I love you, Matt. You're my best friend.
Matt: I love you too, Jenna... I've always loved you.

Can I have another one of these with some booze in it?

Phil

Zed: You could be my right-hand man.
Oh: I've seen what you do with your right hand. No, thank you.

Yikes! What is that, a scrunchie? I haven't seen of those since 1995.

Patrick Patrickson

[With tears in her eyes] Well, I think they ought to take the word 'compassion' out of the English dictionary.

Gareth Peirce

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