Captain: 12:30? AUTO, why didn't you wake me for morning announcements? Honestly, it's the one thing I get to do on this ship.
[Resets the ship back to morning]
Captain: Well, good morning, everybody, and welcome to day 255,642 aboard the Axiom. As always, the weather is a balmy 72 degrees and sunny, and, uh... Oh, I see the ship's log is showing that today is the 700th anniversary of our five year cruise. Well, I'm sure our forefathers would be proud to know that 700 years later we'd be... doing the exact same thing they were doing. So, be sure next mealtime to ask for your free sep-tua-centennial cupcake in a cup. Wow, look at that.

Yes, I saw her naked. No, I did not fuck her.

Larry

Isn't that what all you girls from Ole Miss major in - professional husband hunting?

Stuart Whitworth

[about the price tag gun] You are really good with that thing! Took me weeks to get the hang of it.

Roberta

I just found out, that a girl got killed here last week, and you knew it! You knew there was a shark out there! You knew it was dangerous! But you let people go swimming anyway? You knew all those things! But still my boy is dead now. And there's nothing you can do about it. My boy is dead. I wanted you to know that.

Mrs. Kintner

Sarah: Maybe every girl in my family have to sleep with you.
Beau Burroughs: I don't know if they have to, but they certainly have.

Don't hassle me about crumbs man, because I am on the edge of the edge.

J-Man

Some labels are best left in the closet

Carrie Bradshaw

Olivia Wenscombe: It won't bring your wife back.
Robert Angier: I don't care about my wife. I care about his secret.

Jane Spencer: I feel like such a fool. I should have never doubted you.
Lt. Frank Drebin: There, there. You had no way of knowing the man you were dating was a vicious, murdering sociopath.

Cliff: So, second place... how does it feel?
Torrance Shipman: It feels like first.

You don't want the truth. You make up your own truth.

Teddy

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