Rabbi Jake Schram: Jews want their rabbis to be the kind of Jews they don't have the time to be.
Father Brian Finn: Yeah, and Catholics want their priests to be the kind of Catholics they don't have the discipline to be.
Carol Connelly: OK, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you-...
Melvin Udall: It's not true. Some have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
I am a sexy beast.Austin Powers
Wait Vanessa, I can explain. You see, I was looking for Dr. Evil when the Fembots came out and smoke started coming out of their jomblies. So I started to work my mojo, to counter their mojo; we got cross-mojulation, and their heads started exploding.Austin Powers
Cousin Eddie: I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?
Clark: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.
Teddy: To set yourself a puzzle you won't ever solve. You know how many towns, how many guys called James G? Or John G? Shit, Leonard, I'm a John G.
Leonard Shelby: Your name's Teddy.
Teddy: My mother calls me Teddy. I'm John Edward Gammell.
Tricia Jones: Well! That was just another paean to male adolescence and it's refusal to grow up.
Alyssa Jones: Yeah, sis. But it was better than "Mallrats." At least Holden had the good sense to leave his name off of it.
Tricia Jones: Why didn't Miramax option his other comic instead. You know, the one about you and him and your "relationship" ?
Alyssa Jones: Oh, "Chasing Amy" ? That would never work as a movie.
Now listen carefully because I will not repeat this. You are trying to obtain a list of males rejected by all three gender centers. Check first the ones rejected for having lied about criminal records, look for severe childhood disturbances associated with violence. Our Billy wasn't born a killer, Clarice. Oh no, he was made one through years of systematic abuse. Go to the personality tests, study their drawings. Billy's houses will be very small with tiny windows, no flowers, no pets, no toys, no sun. And his females will be even more crudely sketched than his males but he will compensate with exaggerated adornments, jewelry, big breasts. And then his trees. Oh yes, Clarice, his trees will be frightful. Our Billy hates his own identity you see, he always has and he thinks that makes him a transsexual. But his pathology is a thousand times more savage and more terrifying. He wants to be reborn you see. Our Billy wants to be reborn, Clarice. And he will be reborn.Hannibal Lecter
And in the next life, father, I'M gonna have the PADDLE.Jim
[watching sexy girl wash a car] My Lord, whatever I done, don't strike me blind for another couple of minutes.Dragline
Carter Chambers: What are you so afraid of?
Edward Cole: Just because I told you my story, does not invite you to be a part of it!
Carter Chambers: Oh, like the lady in the bar?
Edward Cole: That's different.
Carter Chambers: Tell me how it's different.
Edward Cole: I build a billion dollar business up from NOTHING! Presidents have asked my advice, I have dined with royalty, and i'm supposed to make out like what? This trip was supposed to MEAN something to me? Like it was gonna change ME? How did you see it playing out Carter, I knock on the door, she answers, she's surprised and angry, but I tell her how much I love her and miss her, and OH, by the way, I'm gonna be dead soon so I'm reaching out to you because I don't wanna die alone?
Carter Chambers: Everyone's afraid to die alone.
Edward Cole: I'm not everyone! This was supposed to be fun. That's all it ever was.
I'm fighting, for something that's real for the first time in my life!Tyler Gage