Come on, Tess. You're not going hit me.Ben 'Finn' Finnegan
Betty Schaefer: Don't you sometimes hate yourself?
Joe Gillis: Constantly.
Farmer #1: [noting Jack outside] Say... that the piss ant that used to ride the bulls?
Farmer #2: Used to *try*.
Down! Down! Stay Down!Mickey
[giving the pre-match pep talk] And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there!Patches O'Houlihan
Sam Eagle: CIA!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: Interpol!
Sam Eagle: This is my travel badge, here's my real badge!
Jean Pierre Napoleon: You must have been looking at the wrong badge!
Sam Eagle: You were saying?
Leonardo: Donnie, what are the odds of surviving this?
Aubrey: This time I'm not gonna choke it down!
Stacie: Been there before...
Great, snakes on crack.Nelville Flynn
[Russell grabs phone from William] Hey, mom! Its Russell Hammond. I play guitar in Stillwater. Hey, how does it feel to be the mother of the greatest rock journalist we've met? Hello? Hello? Look, you've got a really great kid here. There's nothing to worry about. We're taking good care of him, and you should come to the show sometime - join the circus...Russell Hammond
Who do you think is running Congress? Farmers? Engineers? Teachers? Businessmen? No, my friends. Congress is run by lawyers. A lawyer is trained for two things and two things only. To clarify - that's one. And to confuse - that's the other. He does whichever is to his client's advantage. Did you ever ask a lawyer the time of day? He told you how to make a watch, didn't he? Ever ask a lawyer how to get to Mr. Jones' house in the country? You got lost, didn't you? Congress is composed of five hundred and thirty-five individuals. Two hundred and eighty-eight are lawyers. And you wonder what's wrong in Congress. No wonder we often know how to make a watch, but we don't know the time of day.Hal Philip Walker
Dean Vernon Wormer: Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?
Greg Marmalard: Well that would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.
Dean Vernon Wormer: Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.
Greg Marmalard: You're talking about Delta, sir.
Dean Vernon Wormer: Of course I'm talking about Delta, you TWERP!