Tracy Abernathy: I swore 37 times in the last month. I said the 'f-word' a couple of times, but it was mostly 'shit's and 'bastard's. Is 'douche bag' a curse?
Graham Hess: I suppose it would depend on its usage.
Tracy Abernathy: How about "John you're a douche bag for kissing Barbara"?
Graham Hess: It's a curse.
Tracy Abernathy: Oh, well then it's not 37 times it's 71 times.

Dolores Umbridge: [Harry has come in to do his detention] You're going to be doing some lines for me, Mr. Potter.
[Potter opens his bag for his quill but Umbridge stops him]
Dolores Umbridge: No, not with your quill. You're going to be using a rather special one of mine. Now, I want you to write "I must not tell lies."
Harry Potter: How many times?
Dolores Umbridge: Let's see... As long as it takes for the message to sink in.
Harry Potter: You haven't given me any ink.
Dolores Umbridge: Oh, you won't need any ink.

Toot, one more remark like that I'll have Van Hay roll on two for real. And I'll have one less crazy old trustee in the world.

Paul Edgecomb

I can access your mind through your dreams.

Cobb

There's a, um, tradition in tournament play... not talk about the next step until you've climbed the one in front of you. I'm sure going to the state finals is beyond your wildest dreams, so let's just keep it right there.

Coach Norman Dale

Randal Graves: Well I don't wanna jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom. What if a customer comes in and my jerkin' off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong, and suddenly I'm fighting him off as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth?
Dante Hicks: The most likeliest of scenarios.

This isn't going to have a happy ending.

William Somerset

Wayne: So Darren tells me you're a psychologist.
Judith: That's right.
Wayne: I'm in a related field.
Judith: Really? What is it?
Wayne: Pest and rodent removal.
Judith: How is that related?
Wayne: We both help people.

Tonya: Yuri, there's an extraordinary girl at this party.
Zhivago: I know. I'm dancing with her.

Steven: I have this friend and he gave his cable guy $50 and then he got all the movie channels for free. You ever hear of anything like that?
Chip Douglas: [Walks slowly towards Steven] You mean illegal cable?
Steven: Um... Yeah.
Chip Douglas: Who told you that? What is his name? I want it.
Steven: Just forget it.
Chip Douglas: You're offering me a bribe. What you have just done is illegal and in this state, if convicted, you could be fined up to $5,000 or spend six months in a correction facility!
Steven: No, please, that was dumb. I was just making conversation. Forget it.
Chip Douglas: [Bursts out laughing] I'm just jerking your chain! Ha ha ha. The look on your face! Ha ha, you are too easy!
Chip Douglas: Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.

Dear Mr. Potter, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Soon, you and your schoolmates will join us here, and your education in the magical arts will begin.

Dumbledore

There's no such thing as nothing.

Bernard Jaffe

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