Nelson Mandela: How long before the World Cup?
Jim Fleming: Don't get your hopes up. We're a damn disgrace!

[Lisa wants to be part of Jeff's globe-trotting life of adventure] You don't sleep much, you bathe even less and you'd have to eat things that you wouldn't want to look at while they were alive.


Dirk: Look, man, all we need is the tapes, all right?
Record Producer: No, you don't get the tapes until you've paid.
Dirk: In our situation, that doesn't make any fucking sense.
Reed Rothchild: Look, we can not pay for the tapes, unless we take the tapes to the record company, and get paid.
Dirk: Hello? Exactly.

Barnett: Do I tell you how to sing, darlin'? Hmm? Have I ever told you how to sing a song?
Barbara Jean: That ain't the point. I know why you're goin' over there.
Barnett: Don't tell me how to run your life. I been doin' pretty good with it.

Deborah Clasky: So tell me again why I can't call him on his cell again?
Evelyn Norwich: Besides that he turned it off?
Deborah Clasky: Yeah.
Evelyn Norwich: Forty messages starts to look needy.

Melissa: You know what? I'm not even going to talk to you. Would you please leave.
Ace Ventura: Why? So you can beat him?
[talking about Melissa's dog]
Ace Ventura: Fatty.
Melissa: You're unbelievable. Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made.
Ace Ventura: Well, why don't you cry about it. Saddlebags.

My name is Dracula!

Vlad Tepes

Damn! We're in a tight spot!

Ulysses Everett McGill

Domingo: You guys even real cops? You look like kids in Halloween
Jenko: Hey! You want me to beat your dick off?
Domingo: You want to beat my dick off?
Schmidt: I think what he was trying to say was, he's gonna punch you so many times round the genital area that your dick's just gonna fall off.

In my world everyone is a pony, and they all eat rainbows, and poop butterflies.


This is going to be like finding a needle in the world's biggest haystack... fortunately, I brought a magnet!

Tony Stark

Are you satisfied now, Teddy? Because I can keep busting you up all night if you like.

Mike McDermott

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