Lloyd Christmas: Who's the astronaut?
Harry Dunne: Oh, that's my roommate.

James Carter: How come you ain't got no black people performing in this casino? We ain't good enough for you?
Pit Boss: We got Lionel Ritchie!
James Carter: Lionel Ritchie ain't been black since the commodores!

Bianca: [after Kat has told her that she went out with Joey] How is it possible that I did not know about this?
Kat Stratford: I warned him that if he told anyone, the cheerleading squad would find out how tiny his dick is!

Sam: I heard it from his own mouth! He means to murder us! Gollum: Never! Smeagol wouldn't hurt a fly!

You don't wanna talk you wanna poke dents on my baby's head!


Don't you think I realize what's going on here, miss? Who do you think I am, huh? Don't you think I know that if I was some hotshot from out of town that pulled inside here and you guys made a reservation mistake, I'd be the first one to get a room and I'd be upstairs relaxing right now. But I'm not some hotshot from out of town, I'm a small reporter from "Rolling Stone" magazine that's in town to do an exclusive interview with Michael Jackson that's gonna be picked up by every major magazine in the country. I was gonna call the article "Michael Jackson Is Sitting On Top of the World," but now I think I might as well just call it "Michael Jackson Can Sit On Top of the World Just As Long As He Doesn't Sit in the Beverly Palm Hotel 'Cause There's No Niggers Allowed in There!"

Axel Foley

Father Brian Finn: I got you something. I almost didn't because I was so mad but this is too good.
Rabbi Jake Schram: Holy shit! It's the Rabbi Schlomo Schnurson rookie card! It's like the last in the series!

Control, control. You must learn control.


I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!

Lt. Frank Drebin

Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: There are more powerful mutants out there. Why should this one be so important?
Cyclops: Maybe it's his way with people.
Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: You don't like him?
Cyclops: How could you tell?
Prof. Charles Francis Xavier: Well, I am psychic, you know.

Officer: Have you ever been convicted of espionage, sedition or treason?
Chris Farraday: Together?

Seth: Its like a three thing... its like ball, dick, ball.
Evan: It's like a division sign... I just wish you would take those off.

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