Dr. Willoughby: Do you actually believe that after the way you've just behaved that I would even consider recommending you for admission?
Kumar: No. I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I'm applying is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I really don't have a desire to go to med school.
Dr. Willoughby: But you have perfect MCAT scores!
Kumar: Yeeeah, just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.

Parker: Uh, before we dock, I think we oughta discuss the bonus situation.
Brett: Right.
Parker: Brett and I, we think we oughta - we deserve full shares, right baby?
Brett: Right. You see, Mr. Parker and I feel that the bonus situation has never been on a-an equitable level.
Dallas: Well, you get what you're contracted for like everybody else.
Brett: Yes, but everybody else, uh, gets more than us.

"I don't like you takin' liberties with my dick."

Nick [to Lou, regarding an oral sex bet]

Lady, you don't know shit about shit.

Billy Quinn

You start to play it and it's like somebody's nightmare. And then this woman comes on, smiling at you, right? Seeing you... through the screen! Then when it's over, your phone rings, someone knows you watched the tape... and what they say is," You will die in seven days."

Becca

The white girl is back.

Kimmy Jin

[having farted in an elevator] It was me!

Fletcher

I have received a call from Mark's dad saying the car wash was a success, and then I got a call from Chase's dad about the car wash being a great success, and then a call from Danni's dad saying we should have a car wash every weekend. So whatever she did, worked.

Principal Wally Snur

Jack Byrnes: If I set you up, do you think you can spike it, Focker?
Greg Focker: Well, I would have to get pretty high.
Jack Byrnes: I bet you would, Panama Red.

Zeus: Why are you doing this?
Hades: You want me to say it, brother? You want me to say I'm afraid? Doesn't that go without saying? When mortals die, their souls go somewhere - there's no place where gods go when they die! There's nothing, just oblivion...

Misery acquaints a man with strange bed fellows.

Trinculo

Will Turner: If we can outrun her, we can take her. We should turn and fight.
Jack Sparrow: Why fight when you can negotiate?

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