Deborah Clasky: [upon hearing John's car pull into the driveway] Do I need to put on make-up?
Evelyn Norwich: You need a hose, but we don't have that kinda time.

Ron Albertson: I had to have penis reduction surgery.
Dr. Allan Pearl: Penis reduction?
Sheila: I said to him, "Ron, you've gotta do something!" And he says to me, "Well, why don't you get one of those vagina enlargements?"

Wayne: Hi, uh we're here to see Handsome Dan. My name is Wayne Campbell
Bjergen Kjergen: Yah, I know. We've been expecting you, Vane Campbell. I am Bjergen Kjargen.
Wayne: Wow I love your accent, where are you from?
Bjergen Kjergen: I am from Sveden.
Wayne: Oh really? Whereabouts in Sweden?
Bjergen Kjergen: Kneurgen, near the Joergen Fjords.
Wayne: Well, nice to meet you, Bjergen Kjargen, from Kneurgen, near the Joergen Fjords. Hmm. Kneurgen, that's in the Klargen Province, near the Biburgen River.
Bjergen Kjergen: Yah hah.
Wayne: Now correct me if I'm wrong. Your annual rainfall varies from about 40 inches in the winter to about 200 inches in the summer, and your chief export is modular furniature. I did a report on Sweden in the eighth grade.
Bjergen Kjergen: Well I am impressed with your quest for knowledge. Educated men are rare.
Wayne: It was really hard, I stayed all night on it. Then the next day, in gym class I was on the minitramp and I got diarrhea. I really wish I hadn't told you that.

Fred: You know what I love about divorcees? ...They love sex.
Rick: Is that true?
Fred: I don't know... I'd like to think so.
Rick: You would like to think that.

Grandpa George: The kids who are going to find the golden tickets are the ones who can afford to buy candy bars every day. Our Charlie only gets one a year. He doesn't have a chance.
Grandma Josephine: Everyone has a chance, Charlie.
Grandpa George: Mark my words. The first kid to find a golden ticket will be fat, fat, fat.
Augustus Gloop: [Augustus appears and cameras flash] I am eating the Wonka bar and I taste something that is not chocolate. Or coconut. Or walnut, or peanut butter, or caramel. Or sprinkles. So I look and I find the golden ticket.
Grandpa George: [the Bucket home sees the TV with Augustus on the screen] Told you he'd be a porker.

Barry the Baptist: Hello son, would you like a lolly?
Little Chris: Piss off, you nonce!

Jane: How could you do something so vicious
Vincent Ludwig: It was easy my dear. You forget I spent two years as a building contractor.

Alice, that cake could feed fifty. You guys don't even eat.

Bella

Sophie Fisher: [Moves chair]
Alex Fletcher: What are you doing, you madwoman, you're wrecking my apartment!
Sophie Fisher: Well, I can't write sitting all the way across the room.
Alex Fletcher: No, go back to your corner!
Alex Fletcher: ...Fine, alright.
Alex Fletcher: I'm blocked. How am I supposed to get out?
Sophie Fisher: Go out the other side.
Alex Fletcher: But... but... I've never been out the other side.

Dan Paine: Who sent you?
Barney Ross: [to the bald Dan Paine] Your hairdresser!

Derek Vinyard: Jesus, Danny. What the fuck are you thinking?
Danny Vinyard: Derek, there's a black guy out there breaking into your car.
Derek Vinyard: How many Danny? How many?

You know, for an old man you ain't bad in a fight. What are you, like 80?

Mutt Williams

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