No, I mean the way he saved her. I mean, I... I could never do anything like that. That was somethin'. The reason people treat me like I'm nothin' is 'cause I'm nothin'.

Johnny

Womack! Why am I not surprised? You piece of shit!

John Mason

Max Fischer: What do you call getting a handjob from Mrs. Calloway in the back of her Jaguar?
Magnus Buchan: A fucking lie.
Max Fischer: You think I got kicked out because of just the aquarium? Nah, it was the handjob. And you know what else? It was worth it.

I want to make sure that the first person you kiss loves you.

Sam

Ken: Harry, let's face it. You've always been a cunt. The only thing that's gonna change, is that you're gonna be an even bigger cunt. Maybe have some more cunt kids.
Harry: You fuckin' retract that bit about my cunt fucking kids!
Ken: I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids.
Harry: Insulting my fucking kids? That's goin' overboard man!
Ken: I retracted it, didn't I?

Thelma: Are you sure we should be driving like this, I mean in broad daylight and everything?
Louise Sawyer: No we shouldn't, but I want to put some distance between us and the scene of our last goddamn crime.

Nash: [to Charles] The prodigal roommate revealed. "Saw my name on the lecture slate." YOU LYING SON OF A BITCH!
Dr. Rosen: Who are you talking to? Tell me who you see.
Nash: How do you say "Charles Herman" in Russian?

Jack Wyatt: Let's make love in a hot-air balloon - let's make love in a candy factory - let's make love in a petting zoo...
Isabel Bigelow: I have to undo this...
Jack Wyatt: Let's make love at Sea World on the back of a killer whale!

Lydia Harris: The burgundy carpet is out of stock: it's going to take 12 weeks. Did you like any of the other colors?
Bob: Whatever you like ... I'm just completely lost.
Lydia Harris: It's just carpet.
Bob: That's not what I'm talking about.
Lydia Harris: What are you talking about?
Bob: I don't know. I just want to... get healthy. I would like to start taking better care of myself. I'd like to start eating healthier ... I don't want all that pasta. I would like to start eating, like, Japanese food.
Lydia Harris: Well, why don't you just stay there and you can have it every day?
Bob: [biting his tongue] How are the kids doing?

My father used to say that not playing to win is like sleeping with your sister. Sure she's a great piece of tail, with a blouse full of goodies, but... it's just illegal. Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who do nothing but play the banjo... eat apple sauce through a straw... pork farm animals.

Topper Harley

Maggie: You coming back through?
Dudley Frank: Maybe. A biker never knows. A week, a month.
[pauses]
Dudley Frank: Six days, ten hours, 27 minutes, give or take six minutes for wind resistance.

Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap- high school and everything- just skip it.
Frank: You know Marcel Proust?
Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.
Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh- he gets down to the end of his life... and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered- Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school? Those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.

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